Is It Safe? (Pg. 407-410)

We're at a seedy hotel by the airport, inside is Jasper, Alice, and Bella waiting for a phone call to find out whether or not it is safe. Along with the oddly reminiscent scenes this book has with 90s era softcore pornography, it is starting to become a cliched cop movie. In that movie I see Bella as the witness to a murder in which the male-female cop duo, who totally don't get along are waiting to hear from their snitch whether the witness can be moved or not. The trouble with that scenario is that it is far more interesting than what is going on here.

Bella has switched clothes and then been carted off back to Arizona to hide from James, the tracker (we still don't know that means) who is in Forks. It should be noted that this drive is over 1500 miles and would take almost a straight day of driving. By all of this we can assume that it is now Tuesday. The night baseball game was on Sunday, they panicked and ran, 24 hours of driving and then a groggy Bella wakes up...Tuesday at the earliest. This also means that for Charlie, his daughter has been missing for two days but since he isn't that central to the plot or the story we don't have to concern ourselves other than a fleeting mention that Bella makes.

"Edward reminded me that you have to eat a lot more frequently than we do." Alice comes skipping in with this witty writing. This comment breaks the fourth wall, it reminds us that we are obviously in a vampire story. Alice goes to school with high school kids, they interact with humans all of the time so why should she need to be reminded that Bella needs to eat. This far in the book we know who the vampires are, we don't need to be beaten over the head that Alice is one of them. The comment further serves to get Bella to mention Edward without him actually having to be in the room. Lest we forget that he is also in the story.

There's a brief exchange between Bella, Alice, and Jasper wherein Bella wants to know what is going on, and why everyone is so careful and quiet. With the absence of lucky strike cigarettes, and Joe Pesci this plays more like a scene from JFK only with more paranoia. In that movie Pesci's character and everyone else thought they had something to fear, in this book we have an actual fear but it is so remote that the tension seems false. If Phoenix was only an hour away from Forks or a couple of hours it would seem more real, or if Phoenix was the size of Port Angeles than, again that would be something else. Here, past 24 hours and 1500 miles of water, wind, and bridges the odds of James being able to continue to track them should let them relax.

Bella is, of course, not concerned about herself but about the fate of Edward. The bit about the waiting is good, I'll grant that. The whole thing is about not knowing that something is going on when something probably is going on, and then wondering what the outcome of that something might be. Yet in two days, no one can pick up a phone?

Finally when someone does call they just tell Bella that everything is fine. But, "Her eyes were wide, honest...and I didn't trust them."

They were so honest she couldn't believe them at all. Is that irony or is actual irony?

Fort Sensible (Pg. 401-407)

"The Indians said, throw out the captain and everyone will be spared."
"What happened?"
"They threw him out! And that's why it's called Fort Sensible."
              --The Simpsons, "Whacking Day"

We're back after a week off so that I could finish my assignments for the semester. We bring up a classic episode of the Simpsons, from when it was good,* because it illustrates a problem that the Cullens are having with Bella that only one of them seems to understand. To recap, three new vampires are in town and two of them really really want to kill Bella and eat her. Out of the blue, the Cullens decide that the best course of action is to rush her out of town forcing her to abandon her father with no prior notice. All of which she accepts with only token protest. I should note here that this is indicative of the religion of the writer. If a person marries in to a Mormon family, they have to adopt the ways and means of the new religion. I'm aware of this through personal experience as well as many testimonials regarding the religion. The Mormons take to shunning non-Mormons, this is evidenced even by Sir Arthur Conan Doyle in the very first Sherlock Holmes story "A Study in Scarlet," although it's less fatal now.

They are trying to escape a Tracker, which is some sort of super vampire that they can't just hide from. Which is an idea that never really crosses their mind. James isn't from the area, and although it's not that big, he doesn't know where anything is. They could hide her in town and then set a trap, but apparently none of the Cullens received the gift of knowing how to bait a trap. Which is odd given how old they are supposed to be, just watching season 2 of the A-Team would allow them to have basic knowledge of this concept.

Intelligently, however, their plan involves having Bella switch out of her clothes. Edward asks Rosalie to do this and Rosalie, clearly the most intelligent of the group replies, "Why should I?' she hissed, 'What is she to me? Except a menace--a danger you've chosen to inflict on all of us."

Rosalie's reply is pragmatic, and the rest of the Cullens must understand this because they don't rebuke her. I understand that she is supposed to come off as a bitch here but she's right. Bella isn't anything to them other than Edward's girlfriend. There are many numerous ethical theories put forth throughout the history of Philosophy that will state that Rosalie is being unethical. From Plato to Kant to Rawls, and even Levinas who said that our first duty is to the other, but Rosalie has a point. Bella isn't important other than being Edward's current relationship. He's not 17, he's a vampire who will not die of old age while she will. Later Jasper will tell Bella that they are protecting her because they don't want to see him lonely again, which is very nice for family cohesion, but she will die. Furthermore it's implied that Bella's scent is something different, more special than other humans so other vampires will be hungering for her if they catch it as well. Rosalie wants to sit this one out, I don't blame her. At most protecting Bella gives the undying Edward, what, another 70 years? It sounds like a long time for us mortals but to the undying it's like a week. Aside from Happy-Go-Lucky Alice, she makes the most sense.

Speaking of the precognitive, they actually consider her when they formulate their plan which I'm calling the "Audrey Hepburn Gambit" since I watched three episodes of Leverage and Ocean's 13 in the last week.** Esme and Bella go off to the room to undress each other (seriously) and switch clothes: the plan is that Esme dressed like Bella will go off in the jeep. Later Jasper and Alice will drive Bella somewhere and meet up with Edward. It's like a bait and switch but a little over complicated. Why not just leave at the same time, James can't be in two places at once?

Someone gets handed a "tiny silver phone" which given the time of this writing and the apparent wealth of the Cullens was probably a Motorola Razr. I'm just mentioning that.

Carlisle, before putting on his black leather gloves and popping a cigar in his mouth asks the brains of the operation, Alice, "Will they take the bait?"

Good job, centuries old patriarch, consulting the person who actually can tell how things are going to turn out. It would have been better to come up with about five or six plans and then ask her how they would end up but at least you are aware that your shitty plan still needs the future to work out.

They speed off. Bella falls asleep and wakes up in Arizona. Jasper asks her for directions to the airport, which Bella gives and then asks why, "It's better to be close, just in case."

Having been written post 9/11 this is the part of the plan that doesn't make any sense. You can't just go into an airport and buy a ticket in a hurry. That's a security flag. You also need at least an hour to get through security, so if James has figured out the Hepburn Gambit and is on his way then they need to pack up Bella, drive to the airport, buy a ticket, check their bags and get into the hanger. Then they will be sort of safe, if James doesn't follow them and do they exact same thing. Or James could just lose interest. I've seen cheetahs and bears do this on the discovery channel (er, National Geographic since Discovery is about motorcycles now for some reason), the prey gets too hard to catch and they go after something else. Since James has already eaten in Seattle he can't be that interested in one person.

Although he's a hunter and Laurent has said that it's the chase that thrills him. If that's the case, then isn't all of this running, hiding, and switching actually making him more interested in all of this?
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*Which is always more than six years ago, and a statement which is true as long as it is made after season 7.
**I just love the names they give to these elaborate cons.

That Almost Makes Sense...(Pg. 390-403)

This week I became aware of something as I was reading, that I have made a mistake. Not an actual mistake, mind you, because it was something that I couldn't have known given that I don't read ahead in this book; but something I was questioning in the last update actually had an answer. We'll get to that in a little bit, but for now we are outside of Bella's house getting ready for their insane plan to usher Bella out of Forks so that she can be safe from the Tracker, James. Remember that their plan is to get Bella to convince Charlie to let her leave Forks tonight (Sunday) and head back to Phoenix where despite the fact that she has no job, is completely socially inept, and has no money she plans to get her own place.

After Emmet unbuckles her seat belt she tells Edward she loves him and then mentions that he ought not to listen to anything she is going to say afterward. I almost decided to do that myself, just to see the difference between Edward's point of view and the story. Then I realized upon beginning that it would make no sense to do that since Edward never listens to her anyway. Sure he hears her words but he isn't going to take orders from a woman, that's crazy talk.

She runs in the house faking a cry and hysterics slamming the door. Charlie is understandably concerned and inquires whether or not Edward hurt her. When she replies no he asks what is wrong because he thought she liked him, "I do like him--that's the problem...I don't want to be trapped in this stupid, boring town like mom!"

Here's my problem: she's been in the town for nine months or so, and never once did she utter a peep about this. Now when she first moved she was regretful, which is normal. I have moved out of cities several times, and each time it was a sad occasion. Then I got over it, and Bella did too. I know that she is acting here, but her choice of lie is awfully transparent. Why not say that Edward emotionally hurt her? Given the context of their date Charlie probably wouldn't question this being the impetus behind her emotional state. It doesn't matter in the long run, because Charlie is a bad father and an idiot so he takes it in stride. Although he does make a brilliant suggestion one that I felt he ought to do last week, "Just wait another week,' he pled still shell-shocked, 'Renee will be back by then."

Bella's stupid plan forgot one crucial detail: that her mother may not be prepared to have her back. I mean this was the reason she left in the first place right? Her mother's boyfriend was a baseball player and they went on the road a lot. Given that we know baseball season is in full session Bella couldn't anticipate the fact that at the current time her mother may be somewhere else--in this case Florida. Bella leaves anyway but not before hitting her father below the belt by aping the exact same lines that her mother used when she left him. Which is a horrible thing.

Not that she said it, I actually get that. She needed him to want her to go if only for an instant. The horrible thing is that she knew the exact wording that her mother used when she left. That must have been a good conversation, "so if you ever want to hurt Charlie this is exactly what I said to him when I left the two of you in Forks to go screw minor league baseball players like that movie Bull Durham..."

The real absurd part is that it works. Charlie should have grabbed her by the arm and stopped her from leaving. Remember it is Sunday and if he had any real sense he wouldn't have let her go in the first place.

Successful as her gambit was they are now in the truck speeding off with Alice in the distance behind them. Bella asks about the tracker and Edward knows, "The tracker followed us. He's running behind us now."

So he followed you? Funny that didn't get mentioned before when they pulled up. Between the telepath and the psychic no one figured that out. James isn't immune to their powers as we have seen, in fact, he should be pretty clear in Alice's mind since he's a vampire. James is out there hunting them like the Predator but no one seems to suggest standing and fighting. It was brought up before and i wonder why they are against it now? It can't be for Bella's sake, because James couldn't hurt her without getting killed by one of the other three vampires around her.

The other question is why no one at the Cullen's house misses James. The three agreed to hear Carlisle out, and forbid themselves from hunting in the region but no one seems to be aware that he (and Victoria we later learn) are gone? Furthermore there is the added problem of Charlie. His otherwise obedient and servile daughter just ran out of the house acting completely out of character, a normal person might try and contact the last people that saw her, i.e. the entire Cullen family, to find out what just happened.

Why is James tracking Bella? Edward knows, "If you didn't smell so appallingly luscious..."

I like that phrase. It shows the Meyer can really string some words together when she wants to. I have repeated that sentiment several times over the course of this blog, she can write great descriptions she really knows adjectives--it's just plot and character she has a hard time with. What I hate about the phrase is that it gives Bella more importance than she herself thinks, and we think as well. It's the kind of crap that makes Leia's ship get attacked by Vader's near Tatooine. Of course that of all the possible times, in all the possible places, James had to whiff Bella who is the most attractive human for vampires...even though no one else but Edward has even mentioned it.

Edward explains further, "If I had stood by, he would have killed you right then."

Yeah, except that standing by is exactly what Edward did. He stood there and snarled. I guess the snarling means he did something, but of course, there is also Laurent who made the pact with Carlisle, and the rest of the Cullens who could have stopped James. Good thing Edward was there or else the exact same thing would have happened that did.

So back at the Cullen's stronghold everyone is wondering what to do about James and Victoria. Naturally they ask Laurent who explains how deadly James is, and how in 300 years he's never seen anyone so dangerous and that is why, "I joined his coven."

Last week I mentioned that even though James wants to kill Bella he can't because "Laurent is the patriarch of this clan. If Laurent says no, he'll have to obey...that's how it works in the other vampire media." Not only does this mean that I'm wrong about an assumption I made with the available evidence* but that there is something of an actual danger here. James doesn't need to be unleashed because there is no leash. This surprise is not only limited to myself but also to Bella and everyone else. It's a surprise but I'm not sure why it's there.

Since most of the Vampires in this universe are not like the Cullens it would be a fair assumption for the other vampires that the Cullens would be normal and not vegan. Why put up the subterfuge? Wouldn't the fact that they had deceived the local vampire chief be more risky than openly announcing who they are?

On the one hand the worry about James makes a good deal of sense, on the other the Cullens couldn't have known that so we're back to square one. Well, almost...I mean Alice and Edward could have known and maybe that explains their actions but why did they not mention it to Carlisle who thinks that he is sitting down with the leader. I am beginning to get the idea that not one vampire in this world has any idea what they are doing. And that includes the prophet.

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*That since Laurent was talking to the Cullens it meant that he was in charge.

Planning for the Inevitable (Pg. 380-389)

"Edward's impatience was almost tangible as we moved at human speed to the forest edge?"

We left off two weeks ago with a trio of new vampires who have come curious at the loud noises that they heard which they figured could only be produced by vampires playing baseball. They then became curious not only at the Cullen's ability to remain in one place for long periods of time but also that Bella, a human, was just hanging around with them. Carlisle instructed Edward to take Bella home and the three vampires were going to join him at the Cullen's house.

They are in an isolated clearing in the middle of the woods, so it makes sense that they want the prey out of the area. What doesn't make sense is why they are moving at normal speed. They don't normally travel like that by themselves so why now? Obviously, these people are frightened of the new three so I guess they are keeping their guard up. First off, the Cullens outnumber Laurent and company, and even though we are forced to picture the alien vampires as being older and more ferocious that's just appearance wise. If Laurent looked 50 it could still mean that he's younger than Edward. Furthermore moving slowly is silly, even if we grant their speed is based on precaution, because you have Edward who could sense the volition of any potential attacker, and more importantly you have Alice who should see it coming before even that happens. They get her to the truck and buckle her in, for some reason Emmet holds her down. Their plan is to head South to some sort of vampire safe house, all of which makes zero sense.

The three vampires smelled Bella's humanity and started drooling, or the equivalent of. Isn't this normal behavior for their kind? The Cullens reaction to this is evidence that they have never been around other vampires in the midst of humans before. Carlisle has some experience which is why he is the most rational of all of them. As soon as they are away from him they formulate escape and attack plans. Edward has a problem.

His problem is that, like the people that were harassing Bella in Port Angeles, he believes that thought equals action.* We don't know what those three were planning but Edward equated their thoughts with action and almost killed them for it. This is the type of reasoning that puts women in Burqas in the Middle East: if I as a male see a beautiful woman and find her desirable that desire is uncontrollable and I will sexually assault her. Therefore all women must be covered from head to toe in shapeless garments, it's for their own protection.

Edward's mentality is just the same. He needs to kill the trio because they reacted normally in the presence of food. Now this would all make sense of Edward and company weren't vampires, but they are. Because they want to eat her they are already guilty of doing so, it's really for Bella's safety that he wants to murder three of his own kind for being normal.

This leads me to a problem I can foresee in the series, that like his supposed age his vampire-ness is going to come and go. Caution is ok, but paranoia is just over-reacting. How does Bella react?

"I won't! You have to take me back--Charlie will call the FBI! They'll be all over your family--Carlisle and Esme! They'll have to leave, to hide forever."

Strange phrasing but otherwise ok. Bella's father is a cop, and if she's gone for too long he knows who she is with. I doubt his reaction would be to immediately call the Feds** but she can't just be locked away somewhere, she does have her own life to live.

"Not over me, you don't! You're not ruining everything over me!"

Damn it. I thought she was having a normal reaction to be forcefully dragged away and hidden from the world. Instead she's worried that the poor vampires will have to pull anchor and move to another place. Something they've done before. The problem is that she's entirely romanticized the world of vampires. Much like people do with the American Mafia, wanting to be a part of that world without realizing that all of that money comes from drugs, prostitution, robbery, and murder. Bella fails to understand that if the Cullens have interactions with others of their own kind then those others will more than likely be blood drinkers. They aren't always going to be friendly since they will not have had the aid of Puritan English Christianity to purge them of their normal nature to eat humans.

"He's a tracker, Alice, did you see that? He's a tracker!"

So, not Laurent, but the other male, James, is some sort of Vampire ranger or something. This worries Edward, more so than it should because couldn't all Vampires with their superior senses track a human? Edward did in Port Angeles so what is the big deal, aside from the fact that Edward isn't James?

They just aren't listening to Alice: "There's another option," Alice said quietly."

They ignore the psychic. The issue here is that just because he's a tracker, and because he mentally planned to attack Bella, doesn't mean he's going to do it. Seriously, I'm not being nit-picky here, all of this is taking place before their visit to the Cullen's house where Carlisle is going to have to explain how it works in his neck of the woods. He wants to eat her, out of his own nature, but Laurent is the patriarch of this clan. If Laurent says no, he'll have to obey...that's how it works in the other vampire media.

They formulate a plan, after repeatedly ignoring Alice, that Bella is going to go home gather her things with Edward, and leave town for Phoenix. Apparently Charlie is going to just agree to this. They tell her to say whatever it is she needs to and Charlie will just let her leave. Because every parent is just like that, he wouldn't tell her to sleep on it and talk about it in the morning. He wouldn't need to contact her mother to make sure she can return to Phoenix.

After all Bella is "quite old enough to get my own place." With no money, no job, and no references; in a city she hated while also being a minor. The plan is so stupid that it's like it has been dreamed up by 14 year olds, not one 17 year old and three near Centurions.

At this point Carlisle and the three should be back at his house discussing the rules of the Olympic forest. So they are safe, but you wouldn't know it from their discussions. They've decided that Bella and Edward will go into the house, Alice will wait in the car ready to go, and Emmett will walk around outside looking for the Tracker. It's a decent plan, but I have a better one: why doesn't Edward use his ESP to see if the other vampires are around and if they aren't just wait outside her window or in her room like he usually does? Emmet and Alice can run back up, since they are all so powerful and outnumber the one vampire they are afraid of--it's much simpler. I said their plan was decent but it ignores their superpowers. Alice's foresight should be able to detect them coming, it did before, and Emmet has the super strength so what is the problem?

Any plan at this point is needless. Edward should just wait at the house and send Alice and Emmett home to ask Carlisle what is going on. When they get there if it's just Laurent and Victoria hurry back. That is far more reasonable. Instead Edward and Bella enter the house to go through with operation "ridiculous."

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*Just like Immanuel Kant

**For some obvious jurisdictional confrontation that we see in the movies I picture Charlie being the loose cannon, "Forks is my town and its my daughter, you Feds just think you can stroll in and take this investigation over! You can go to hell, I'm doing this my way!"

T-Day

No update this week due to travelling (left my book where I am not), school (working on other things), and because of the holiday (which is really just an excuse it's not like I don't have the time). At this point I might as well blame it on a hockey game.

So we shall all have to wait one week for " pithy and over-intellectual commentary on silly books for teenagers..."

A nice comment from one of my readers on facebook.

What really burns me about this week's lack of post is that finally, finally it looked like something was going to happen plotwise. We've had almost 400 pages of nothing happening. No self-reflection not a whole lot of character development, she does stuff and says things so I guess that is some development technically anyway. Finally though, we were going to get some plot that isn't the dumbed down Pride and Prejudice/Romeo and Juliet spin off crap that we had been getting. Oh well...

American readers have a happy Thanksgiving, everyone else have a good week.

Go Ask Alice (Pg. 369-380)

"My eyes were on Edward, as usual..."

It's night time, and the vampires are playing baseball. Why we need a special name for what they do is beyond my comprehension but Bella isn't paying attention to the game, she's watching dreamboat Edward. We get it, he's good looking and she can't take her eyes off him. At this point in the story this is a fact that has been established so for the author to remind us constantly that this is the case makes it less and less believable. It also makes me think that her idea of infatuation is based less on her experience and more on what tween girls do when they seem someone like Justin Bieber or whatever teenage heart throb is in vogue at the time. Then something happens, finally something related to the concept that we call "plot."

"Alice?' Esme's voice was tense." Alice grows rigid, which we know is related to her prescience. Remember the prologue? Where Bella was talking about how she expected to die, maybe we've finally come back to what this story is supposed to be about.

"I didn't see it--I couldn't tell.' She whispered." What I like about this is that she isn't talking to anyone in particular, she's pulling the old Gandalf move where some little detail has been missed and the only way to work it out is to chide herself aloud. Gandalf actually has the best rationale for speaking out loud, that it's an old habit of the wise to speak to the smartest person in the room, i.e. himself. We see this kind of thing currently in House M.D., Dr. Who, and any incarnation of Sherlock Holmes. The reason is simple: no one else could possibly understand how the detail was missed as they are the only ones that could possible have interpreted it in the first place. It's lonely at the top for them, thus as it is for Alice. Only she could know that three vampires are on their way, that they have heard the baseball game being played. She missed it somehow, probably because she was too busy tossing pitches that her family members could hit.

Three Vampires. Unlike every other interaction that Bella has had thus far with other people this time she might actually be in danger. Three creatures are coming that will, in fact, want to eat her. So what should the Cullens do? The best course of action is to have Edward take Bella away from the field. Edward doesn't think that he can get her back in time. But, back where? He doesn't have to get her home before they show up, he just has to get her away from the field since it was the noise of the game that drew them in the first place. A simple distraction will be all that it takes, Carlisle and the rest keep playing while the girl is shuttled to safety. Instead they stand around waiting.

"Three!' he (Emmet) scoffed, 'Let them come." This is where Emmet is established as the protector of the clan. He defies the coming Vampires like Theoden King at Helm's Deep spits upon the invading force from Isengard. His reaction though is a bit extreme. Alice hasn't said whether they are friendly or not, Edward hasn't been able to perceive them with his ESP, but Emmet is all jacked up ready to fight. Maybe it's just that he's preparing himself but it doesn't come off that way.

"I stated the obvious. 'The others are coming now.'" Lest we forget that Bella is present she proceeds to add nothing to the situation. In this case she's doing one of two things: either observing the very fact that everyone is talking about, giving us the fun but deleted scene of the Cullen clan looking at her, rolling their eyes, and one of them saying, "sooooo, anyway..." Or she knows they are coming imminently which is not possible because she doesn't have any perception powers that would give her that information. This is probably one of the numerous times in the book where she should just be quiet.

The three come out of the woods. Not just come out but one enters the field and then steps back to allow a second to place himself in front. This would be the leader of the group, Laurent. Vampire movies are typically similar when they aren't about Dracula. The bad Vampire always has a name like "Laurent." We've seen, "Viktor," "Markus," "Deacon Frost," "Damskinos," "Reinhardt," so "Laurent" fits in with the cliche, although he's missing some "k"s in his name. We're given some descriptions of the three, but since it's night it is really hard to establish how Bella could make out the details like Laurent's olive skin beneath his pallor. The other annoying this is that Meyer relies on her "cat" fetish to describe their movements as Feline. At this point it's pretty over done.

What is nice is how the three tentatively approach the others. This is described as being like predators that are meeting up with others like them on alien turf. It makes a good deal of sense that this would be the case because that is what they are doing, literally. Laurent explains his presence, "We're heading North, in fact, but we were curious to see who was in the neighborhood."

The sound of the game attracted them, I'll but that. Superhumans playing baseball would be a distinct sound so naturally their feline curiosity got the best of them. Laurent explains that they've eaten just outside of Seattle and Carlisle invites them to his house, his permanent house. Laurent is shocked, "Permanent? How do you manage that?"

Again, a good exchange. Meyer has established that modern vampires have to be nomadic hunter/gatherer types if they wish to remain inconspicuous. I like the shock of Laurent, because it's clear envy. He wants to know how to not have to constantly be on the move, however he's not going to like the answer which is "vegetarianism." Carlisle won't explain it here because he wants the intruders away from Bella. But he asks about their travels to see where they are from, "We've been on the hunt all the way down from Ontario..."

None of that sentence makes sense with the information we've been given. First off, they already hunted outside of Seattle. So they are fine now. Then again, Nomadic types of the prehistorical sort we're basically always on the hunt so we can overlook this lapse. The one we can't is the inconsistent direction the three are heading in. Laurent has already said they have been heading North, but now they've hunting all the way down from Ontario. If they came from Windsor Ontario and travelled to Forks, they would be heading West and slightly North as the crow flies. Any other location in the Canadian Province is going to be from the Southwestern direction. In this case "down from Ontario" makes sense. But...Laurent said they were heading North so why are they coming down from Ontario?

Two possibilities: Meyer is an idiot or Laurent is lying. The former is strange because you would have to be a complete idiot who has never looked at a map to know that for the most of the United States, Canada is North. There is a very small percentage of the landmass of Alaska in which Canada is not North and excepting the cases of Detroit and Buffalo where you travel East and West respectively to get into Canada, your ignorance would be of such magnitude that writing a book would be impossible. The latter position is equally untenable because there is no reason for Laurent to lie. Not even a, "wow I just killed eight people in your area." My conclusion, bad writing she messed up the details of the traveling trio. It's surprisingly the only reasonable explanation.

Then the Trio gets wind of, literally they smell her on the wind, of Bella's humanity. Her organic humanity because she clearly doesn't have the emotional kind. This sends them into a the kind of state a coiled snake gets, or a ready-to-pounce cat. Which makes, again no sense, because they've just eaten. It's a bit presumptuous of them as well as she could be the Cullen's snack, a comment that Laurent actually makes. Emmet and Edward start snarling but Carlisle calms them down tells Edward to take Bella home and the three will accompany the rest to the Carlisle residence. As all of this occurs the women are absent. They contribute nothing and are ignored while the men take to the business of important matters.

It's a queer fact, because maybe someone should have just asked Alice how it turns out. Which leads me to believe that her powers are going to come and go for expedience's sake. 

Vampires Are Cool (Pg. 361-369)

Again Bella is nervous, and again it's for all the wrong reasons. She should be nervous because she's going to hang out with a bunch of vampires at night, isolated, and to play baseball in the middle of a thunderstorm. It's not that though, she's nervous because she's going to have to do a little off roading in Edward's truck and then be carried by him as he runs through the woods which is something that she's already done before. He assures her that it's perfectly safe but she is still nervous. He decides that to make it better a little making out is in order. I suppose this makes a little sense, he wants her to think about something else but it gets weird, "I was suddenly welded to his stone figure. I sighed, and my lips parted."

Ok, so far so good, but then, "Damn it Bella!' he broke off gasping."

I've re-read this section two or three times completely unable to figure out what it is that startled him. He was lightly pecking her lips and then she goes for the deeper kiss he all of the sudden gets worried. Literally there is no indication for what made him so upset. Is it that he was going to have feel her internally? Perhaps having part of his mouth inside her would awaken his normal instinct of wanting to eat her? That might be the case but there is no indication of it. If that is the case then we have to wonder about how chaste their relationship is going to be. She reminds him that he's indestructible...for some reason, which causes him to retort, "I might have thought that before I met you."

It's been a long time since we've seen sociopath Edward in action so this is a refreshing reminder of the consistency that Meyer has written his character. Here, Edward is setting up blame for anything that goes wrong in his life on Bella. Before her, Edward was invincible but now...he's capable of being harmed. She's his all too convenient kryptonite. It's not as though she's going to get him in trouble, that's not what he is saying, he's saying that being involved in her life is prima facie dangerous to him. Although we don't know why because he hoists her on his back and then runs her to the field. She drops off of him and as a reminder about how clumsy she is she falls right on her butt.

"He stared at me incredulously, evidently not sure whether he was still too made to fine me funny. But my bewildered expression, pushed him over the edge, and he broke into a roar of laughter."

The best part here is that his only two choices for action are to be mad or to laugh at her. It never crosses her mind* that he should be concerned that she fell or that she could have fallen on something. Nope, he's either inexplicably mad or amused at her clumsiness. This probably isn't even evidence of her clumsiness given the setting. He's just run her at blinding speed through the woods at night so she's probably experiencing a little vertigo or disorientation and it has been pouring. Falling is actually a normal thing, but he doesn't care. Not only that, it never crosses her mind that the man who just told her that he loves her should be concerned.

In Sebastian De Grazi's book, Machiavelli in Hell, he describes the philosopher's work in terms of his view on women. He takes the position that women don't bear any particular focus for Machiavelli women are mere trophies for men. I disagree with that conclusion since Machiavelli writes about Italy in the Renaissance and Roman history in which women weren't especially noted by the historians. Yet when a strong woman of some importance comes into the fray Machiavelli does mention her, Caterina Sforza is the great example. If Grazi was correct it's a misogynistic view. What do you call it when it is the woman who is viewing herself as merely a trophy for the man? Because Bella does that, "I whispered, remembering the black moods that pulled him away from me, that I'd always interpreted as well justified frustration- frustration at my weakness, my slowness, and unruly human reactions..."

If a woman is viewed by a man as being a trophy this is precisely how he would view her. She should show up and shut up, present only to look good and be occasionally charming--but not too charming--to the more important male friends. This is how the man in that relationship thinks that the woman should view him as stronger, faster, and cool in his relations with others. Bella does this to herself from the outset. Part of me wants to shrug my shoulders saying that she chooses this herself but the greater part of me remembers that this woman, this relationship, is idolized and that I have a daughter. Sure, I can admit that I have been sometimes frustrated at a girlfriend's "unruly human reactions" but I also now that my frustration in those instances is NOT "well-justified." We can't expect Bella to behave like Caterina Sforza did toward the Orsi brothers.** We can expect her to not be this weak and insufferable. The whole point of the comment is to let us know how good Edward is by putting up with her despite her flaws which should cause him to run. Ladies, it's a bad sign if you ever think this and it's even worse if he ever says it.

"Are you ready for some ball?" Edward comments. No, I'm not nearly prepared for the lameness that's about to ensue, and I know it's lame before it even begins. This is going to be worse than Blitzball, Rollerball, and that stupid game from the beginning of Starship Troopers. It's done at night, by Vampires so we are supposed to think it's cool. The only reason for this to exist is to further tell us that Vampires are awesome, because they play baseball.

"I tried to sound appropriately enthusiastic, 'Go Team!" Bella can't seriously be this out of touch can she? "Go Team?" There really aren't any teams, it's just the Cullens with Esme as Umpire. That means it is three on two with probably a designated pitcher, no, wait there is a designated pitcher...Alice.

This is about the stupidest thing you can do. Alice quickly becomes my favorite in this story because she's easily the best person morally. How do we know? Because she is happy, carefree, even though she knows how everything turns out, which means that for most of the time she just makes everyone feel good about their lives by pretending not to know that happens. Let's be clear, they put the one person who can see the future as pitcher. She could have a great night pitching a perfect game, because she knows the outcome of every pitch. Even if the future is all emotion, as Yoda says, she could still do it. It's a testament to her nature that they even let her do this given her ability which we know works best on the Vampires. Ironically it's Bella that has the best chance of surprising her with actually hitting the ball. Yet, Alice is pitcher and she softballs the throws like a Fox News Anchor interviewing Sarah Palin, and Jasper gets a hit. No matter how good Jasper and Caslisle might be, no matter how fast the dreamy Edward is, they have to know that if they even touch the ball with the bat it's because Alice allowed them to. I wonder what her in house chess record is.

Not just a hit, but a HIT. This is like a baseball game between the Hulk and Superman. It's not just baseball, it's extreme baseball. Several times we notice how fast everything is and how Bella can't see the ball. Well no shit she can't it's night time. Which brings us to another problem. It's dark, overcast with the occasional bolt of lightening how can Bella even pretend to see. She runs with Esme across the field yet never trips despite her alleged clumsiness. This is just patently inconsistent especially where above she just fell down.

Yet my favorite part of the section is when Esme and Bella are running along and Esme recounts her origin. She tells what has to be the most uncomfortable story ever told by a mother to her son's girlfriend. First off, she had a baby that died a few days after it was born. I horrible tragedy that I can't even begin to sympathize with, but do you want to be mentioning this to a stranger? Then it gets even better as she explains her distraughtness over that compelled her to commit suicide, which she would have succeeded at had Carlisle not turned her into what she is now. "Awkward" doesn't even begin to describe it. What is Bella supposed to do with that information? Especially when you consider how even she considers any normal reaction to that kind of story to be "unruly?"

It's Carlisle's turn at bat but then Alice grows stiff. It seems the fates have grabbed her attention...
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*Because we must remember that she is narrating this story.

**Assassin's Creed II fans know this story, it really happened. In brief Caterina "Il Tigre" Sforza (her last name means "fire" and she also gets nicknamed "The Tiger" she was quite the badass) was capture by the Orsi brothers and somehow convinced them to let her in her castle at Forli. Stupidly they agreed and as soon as she was in she locked the doors behind her preparing for a siege which she knew they could not accomplish. They still held her children however and in pointing this out, she climbed to the battlement hiked up her skirt and informed them that she still could make more. See Machiavelli's Discourses Book III chapter 6.