Intermission (The Twilight Walkthrough Pg. 1-266)

With a good chunk of the book behind us, and that I'm actually starting to get followers at the blogspot site I thought it would be a good time to do an overview of what we've covered so far. Any new readers that have just stumbled here or have only been paying attention for a couple of weeks this would be a good post to read.

So far this journey through a book that is adored by many, scorned also by many, but due to its prevalence in pop-culture cannot be ignored has been interesting only in that it has forced me to tear it apart. Even though that was not the original goal of the blog. The point of the whole matter was to give it a chance.

The whole thing started as I was watching and reading some of the coverage from the San Diego comic con about a year ago. What I saw were a couple of people carrying signs like this:



I thought these signs were odd. Did Twilight ruin comic con? No, for that to be the case Comic Con would have to have been not ruined prior to 2009 which it clearly was when studios decided that every summer movie remotely related to the interests that comic book fans have needed a giant press junket and panel discussions. Isn't a comic book convention supposed to be about comic books? What exactly does James Cameron or Tim Burton (when the latter isn't talking about his Batman movies) have to do with comics? The fact that large studios have encroached into the Comic Con was inevitable and Twilight is only a particular example of it. One might want to believe that director's like Uwe Boll have had more to do with ruining the comic scene than Twilight. Of course I feel that it's not even bad comic movies that have done it, it's the rise of niche marketing appealing to fanboys that will sell out an opening weekend no matter how shitty a movie will actually be. It's all marketing, how much comic news is actually coming out of San Diego this year?

Then I had some friends of mine, some former students, and former co-workers all talking about the book series. Most of them were talking about it in the negative. That piqued my curiosity. The real nail in the coffin was when I found out that all of this is the responsibility of a first time novelist, an amateur that cranked out the book after having a dream about it (at least according to her, and we have no good reason to doubt her).

After dealing with a insipid and completely incorrect book that tried to catalog the worst books ever written, which actually turned out to be the incoherent rantings of a religious fundamentalist neo-conservative, I thought the walkthrough treatment would be suited for something that was honestly calling itself fiction. So I began.

The method for me has not changed, despite the repeated admonitions of people who swear that once I started the book I wouldn't be able to put it down. Nothing could be further from the truth, that's not to say that there have been no times when I really wanted to read ahead but it didn't grab me like people told me it would. Here's how I make the posts which appear every Monday.

I take the book, a pen, and a small pocket notebook (which actually is the size of a Motorola Android) to begin reading. I read one entire chapter and put the book down mulling over the various events. Then I let a day or two pass. On that day I start over taking notes, this time with a theme in mind for the post or lacking that I just jot down whatever I find interesting. Things of interest usually include either really bad/good writing (it does happen), ridiculous statements, proof of ridiculous characters, or more evidence to some of the long running questions that exist in the book. My average is between five to fifteen pages in the book which amounts to two pages in my notebook (remember it's a small notebook). On Monday I re-read last week's post and then I sit down to write the entry this process usually takes between 1-3 hours. Almost everything that you might read in this series is an edited first draft...so I guess that makes it a second draft really. I re-read that, then hit the publish button (I use scribefire for firefox) and the whole thing begins again. I was asked by a friend of mine if I was going to do the movies as well, I figure that once I'm done with the book I'll do the movie and then move on to the next book.

That's the process. So far, we've learned a couple of things:

1) That author Stephanie Meyer, isn't as bad a writer as people think. Those people have never graded college essays, I'm just sayin'. Her talent lies in description and setting a tone. In this she's quite capable, the problem is that sometimes it's really obvious that this is her first novel but that's really her editor's fault.

2) Her biggest flaw is in creating likable characters. The main protagonists of the story are abhorrent. Bella, who is supposed to come off as a shy, intelligent, introvert instead comes off as a pretentious elitist. While Edward who is supposed to be a dapper Vampire gentleman sounds more like a sociopathic abusive boyfriend. Neither of these two characters seem to be able or willing to engage in actual relationships with the world. Bella, especially, as she treats almost everyone of the people that she meets as tool to further her own goals.

3) The book raises some questions that are persistent which normally is a good thing, but not here. The question of why the vampires interact in society is a good one. They claim to try and blend in, but with their stunning good looks, designer clothes, and sports cars one might question if they know the definition of the word "subtle." Secondly, Bella's clumsiness is a mystery because it seems to come and go. She constantly reminds us, and other characters of how bad it is, but we've never seen it. Even when she was running from her assailants she didn't fall, it's chekov's gun and someone better pull the trigger on it.

4) Finally, aside from the general relationship plot we don't have a story. It's just two people we don't like hooking up. There's nothing going on aside from that, but we do know that something is coming since the prologue established that. Now it seems as if we are grinding out some details until we get to the real story. In Tolkien terms, we're still living in the Shire.

Next week we are back with the conclusion of the date, and utter lameness that is "soul mates."

The Date Pt. I

I was hoping to knock this chapter off in one entry. I figured that the two lovebirds are on their first date, they would banter a bit and it would be cheesy, and there would be the reveal about the sunlight thing. I was pretty sure that I would spend most of the post talking about their banter and whether or not it fit with typical high school first dates, bringing to the reader's attention that Edward should not be having that banter. This was not to be, because of what happened when Edward stepped into the light. In the prelude and on the side bar at the "official" site of the series I have mentioned that I am going through the book page by page, I haven't read ahead. I only read a chunk of pages until I know that I have enough material, I'm mentioning it because nothing could have prepared me for the effect of sunlight on Edward: "His skin, white despite the faint flush from yesterday's hunting trip, literally sparkled like thousands of tiny diamonds were embedded in his skin."

Not only is he dreamy mcdreamy, but his skin looks like it has been encrusted in diamonds? I re-read the line over and over again, hoping that Meyer was using the word "literally" wrong. The best case scenario was that she messed up and really meant to type the word "figuratively" like when people say, "I was literally beside myself with anger." Nothing in the context of this section can be interpreted to mean that she had made that mistake. It just seems to be too much. His skin sparkles like the vault of heaven beneath the light of the moon?

This isn't bad for vampires, we have to give Meyer some leeway as far as making up her own world, but I must repeat the question I asked last week, "what is the downside to being a Meyer vampire?" Now that we know that sunlight just enhances its appearance in the eyes of a star struck (that's a really literal statement now) teen-age girl only the diet seems to be a difficulty but there are two solutions to that: the first being to substitute animal blood while the second would be to live by a different morality and just eat people.

The only downside to being Edward is the contradictory and sociopathic nature by which one must carry themselves at all times. We read description after description of how dreamy and angelic he is, especially in the midday sun. Bella and Edward share an intimate moment laying with each other, with her gently stroking the blue veins on his...hand. Then, like all men on first dates, Edward ruins it by opening his mouth. I don't know why we think that talking is going to make it better, but we can't help ourselves. The only trouble is that he's only loud enough that she can tell he's saying something, but not what. What is he doing? "But, when I asked, he told me he was singing to himself."

This is quite ridiculous. Do Meyer's vampires whither and die unless they are constantly getting attention or is he just really working out that tortured artist side that he should have out grown about 75 years ago? Neither really makes that much sense, the former doesn't work because they are practically laying on each other in the meadow. The latter is just plain stupid but it would fit in with his character, minus ever actually working on his art. One thing we can be sure of is that his voice is the most beautiful thing that Bella has ever heard, let's put that aside for a second because we are going to need it.

We then proceed on to the cringe worthy, "what are you thinking?" question. The thing about it is, that while it's accurate, it's not something anyone wants to read. People don't like being asked the question because it causes the hearer to instantly draw a blank on what they were thinking about. It's like describing someone brushing their teeth, everyone does it but unless you are going to bring something new to the description it becomes trite. This is, of course, a problem for a first time writer which should be exorcised by the second book. The argument could be made that with telepathy this is something new, but since Edward cannot read Bella's mind so we are back to the couple laying in the meadow.

Bella answer's Edward's question about her thoughts with this, [Note to reader: take the voice thing off the back-burner we need it now] "I was wishing that I could believe that you were real. And I was wishing that I wasn't afraid." Edward is so good-looking, so perfect, that she can't believe he is real. Not the fact that he is a vampire, that all vampire literature has essentially lied to her, and that he's literally shining in the sun; all of that is taken at face value. It's only that he's uber handsome which causes her to go all Cartesian on the subject. Bella behaves a lot like my daughter here: everything that can be seen or touched is verified as true ala Irish Bishop George Berkeley, yet her reaction to the physical world--the emotional content in it has to be doubted before it is believed. My daughter does this as well but she's yet to turn two so I don't give her a hard time about it. Bella doesn't have this excuse she becomes some sort of anti-experience empiricist where she doubts the things that should be accepted and accepts the things that she should question.

He's too perfect for her. Which seems odd given her rejection of other people that don't quite measure up to the bar he sets at their high school. It's false humility. No action she has taken has led us to believe for an instant that she thinks herself unworthy of his attention. She's said as much, but the words don't mesh as she scorns every other person she knows for not being him or a Cullen. Since day one at Forks HS, she knew that she deserved a place at their table. We are constantly being reminded of how perfect he is, but in being so perfect he actually becomes imperfect. Even Jesus got angry and kicked some ass one day in violation of his principles. It makes him more human, not less which is why I'm sure that little story is included in the Bible.

If you ever seen a person so beautiful they look fake you know what I am talking about. It's those imperfections that set us apart from one another, that can make a perfect person even more gorgeous. If it wasn't for that mole above her lip, none of us would have ever heard of the name Cindy Crawford (who was on the cover of Maxim at the age of 40). Yet Edward's looks are too angelic, perfect in all resepects, and because he's a vampire it meant that as a human he looked the same. Becoming a vampire means taking a snap shot at the time of the turning and that is how they will always be. Which means that he must have been the most perfect looking person in the whole 19th century, which could be possible but I doubt it. Making the vampire attractive, in all instances of it in literature is just a cheap way out for the author. It makes it easier for vampires to get prey and fit in. Whereas an overweight or too skinny ashen blood sucker would have some difficulty. It also makes us want to be one. Yet there is no reason for us to assume that being vampire is going to make a fat girl thin, or a skinny guy into the muscular adonis of Edward. The more perfect the description the less perfect the impression, especially since the intended audience isn't going to be sharing this appearance.

She mentions also that she wishes that she wasn't afraid, but we don't know what she is afraid of. Bella remains characteristically and frustratingly quiet on the subject. She always reminds us of the fear she has regarding her relationship with Edward but never what that fear is rooted in. It's not of Edward, not even that he's scary-sexy kind of way. Edward tells her, "I don't want you to be afraid."

This just pisses me off, because we know that first off, he does want her to be afraid. He's repeatedly reminded her throughout the story that she should be afraid of him. Secondly, this tells us that he knows what she means but neither of them are explaining it to us. It has to be that because Edward's following actions make no sense if he doesn't want her to be afraid of him.

Their faces get close, too close, you know the scene in every romance movie right before the two main characters kiss. Or the scene in every romantic comedy movie where the noses begin to touch and then someone interrupts them, that's where we are at. This of course is the vampire movie so getting that close to the human is going to bring out his true nature. The movie Vampire Hunter D: Blood Lust, has a good version of it. The vampire Meier Link is being embraced by Charlotte and he looks down. His vision shows the red veins in her neck causing him to shake as he violently represses his being. It works there. Here, the vampire just runs without warning or set up and it comes across as cheap.

Then he goes about displaying his power. He runs around the meadow in seconds, he breaks and shatters a two foot thick branch, all the while bragging about how easily he could snuff out the candle of Bella's life. He ends such a tired display by saying, "Don't be afraid."

It's just so sad that all we have for their attraction is physical. He's like the villain jock in an 80s teen comedy, all looks, no brains, and no personality. How about a guy who looks half as good, shows intelligence, and is also keeping the secret of being a vampire an actual secret? It would make for a much better character. You could even keep the Bella character complete throwing in theme of which person is the real predator the vampire or her. That would be a better story and a better lesson as well. But we must set aside hypotheticals because Edward has a point to make.

He could break her in half, she has no hope of out running him, and she should, "Never forget that I am more dangerous to you than I am to anyone else."

Why is he so specific about his danger to her? It certainly isn't the fact that they are alone in the woods with no witnesses. It's not that she not only couldn't run but also doesn't want to. It's not that she apologizes when he almost kills her. No, it's going to get quite lame even by cliche standards.

Trepidation (Pg. 253-259)

It's the morning of the big date for Bella and Edward. Bella, having just woken up after purposely abusing over the counter medicine is getting dressed and is full of anxiety. All of which is understandable for a normal first date, and is completely understandable when you factor in that Edward Cullen is more like Ted Bundy than Frank Sinatra. However that isn't Bella's concern.

I wish that I had some Twilight fans reading this blog so that someone, anyone, could tell me what is so appealing in his character. It makes absolutely no sense to me, then again I'm in my thirties and a male so it could be an age/gender thing but I'm really hard pressed to find the appeal. With men like Brad Pitt, George Clooney, or Roger Federer I get it. I don't share in the attraction, being straight, but I do understand why women find those men attractive. With Edward I'm completely aloof to Bella's infatuation.

Edward shows up at the door, "Yesterday's fears, seemed very foolish with him here." I don't understand why anything is different. This brings me to another problem in the book, and I don't know if it is bad writing or really good writing for a character that Meyer herself doesn't like. Bella's internal monologue runs on and on about her nervousness and fears with Edward. Yet, she never once tells us why she is afraid or why she is nervous. If she were written as something other than an intelligent bookworm* that would be one thing. From teaching I came across a lot of women that were the cheerleader types that could never explain why they felt anything, but that they, 'just did.' Bella can't hide behind that having already read Austen, Shakespeare, and Chaucer; she should have some idea of how to explain her own feelings, especially in her diary (which is what we are reading the story through).

So Edward is standing outside the Swan's house. As an aside, what I want to know is whether Edward can enter the house. This, is another one of those things that Twilight haters harp upon and that I, for once, am in complete agreement. There doesn't seem to be any drawback to being a Vampire in Meyer's universe. Sunlight doesn't kill them, they can eat, they don't have to sleep in coffins or dirt, they are pale but not enough to draw suspicion, and given that Edward was present in an Italian restaurant without any problems we can assume garlic has no effect on them. An important drawback to being a vampire is the inability to enter a house without permission. Charlaine Harris makes this a sticking point in her books (as well as the show based on it), it's not directly stated in Stoker, and Anne Rice's stories don't have it but she has numerous other detriments that make up for this lack.

The problem is that Bella, being the narcissist that she is, doesn't invite Edward in anyway. Yet, based on the fact that the Cullens were able to retrieve her truck for her by getting her keys from inside the house we have to assume that they are able to. Part of the appeal of the vampire literature is wondering what it would be like to be one and living with the issues. All Meyer does is make us want to be one without imagination because there is no reason not to be, other than living forever which has drawback you really have to think about to sympathize with.

So it's the perfect of two worlds: you get to live amongst the people but also be stronger, faster, smarter (in most cases but not here), and have telepathy. Plus you get to be absolutely dreamy as well.

Which brings me back to the first problem I stated in the beginning of this post: why is she attracted to him? Edward makes a joke because they inadvertently dressed the same, Bella laments, "why did he have to look like a runway model when I couldn't."

Almost all of this week's section is filled with comments on how good he looks, "He was too perfect, I realized with a piercing stab of despair. There was no way this godlike creature was meant for me."

"Each time, his beauty pierced me through with sadness."

Bella reminds me of a friend of mine in college. This person was obsessed with have sex with a girl of Asian descent. Not Indian or Russian (which are both Asian countries) but of the Chinese, Korean, Japanese, Vietnamese variety. At one point during our college days he started hanging around with a girl whom I'll call "Greta." "Greta" was about as far from a nice person that I have ever met, she was demanding, whiny, and in general a spoiled girl that was infuriating to be around. I would always leave her vicinity because it was very difficult for me to be even civil toward her and a lot of people that we knew couldn't understand why they were hanging out. They shared a major, so that explained it a little, but I knew. He was so obsessed with this idea that he was willing to put up with a good deal more from her than he was with his actual girlfriend at the time. It only took a month before they stopped hanging out, and it wasn't him (they never slept together). I assumed that she found a bigger sucker to latch on.

Bella is just like my friend. There is no reason that she should want to hang out with him, much less date him, aside from a raw sexual urge that she is denying. Ok, he's incredibly good looking but other than that he treats her terribly. He only shows concern for her when he's the one putting her in danger. Can looks matter that much to this girl? More importantly, do looks matter this much to the intended audience of these books? I have to doubt it, but since millions of fans can't be wrong I guess this is what matters most to these people. By all accounts Ted Bundy seems like a better date: not only was he considered good looking but he was also quite charming and intelligent. Edward lacking both of the latter qualities does exhibit the serial killer persona as he lures her deeper and deeper into the woods.

Ladies: if you meet a guy and he repeatedly reminds you that he's only one loss of control away from murdering you, then asks you on a date into the deep woods, and you decide to go with him. Really only half of what happens to you is his fault. Being an idiot is something that goes way too unpunished in this country.

The whole reason for this trip into the woods is so that Edward can explain to Bella what happens to him in the sunlight away from witnesses. After a couple of miles of hiking, which mysteriously Bella never trips or stumbles despite the repeated assurances that she can't walk without falling down, they arrive in a clearing. The clearing is nice because it reminds us that Meyer is a capable writer when she wants to be. She describes the flora of the setting wonderfully, even before that describing how the olive drab light of the forest turned jade when the sun came out really evokes her ability for description.

Most importantly this is done without anything happening so it's preserved as being excellent. Just like the tidal pools waaaaay back in the beginning of the book, I'm quite amazed at the contradiction of Meyer's ability to describe things while not being able to describe likable personalities. I willingly give the end of this chapter my stamp of approval. Especially as she creates tension not based on murder threats or false danger. Bella notices that she is skirted into the field past Edward who is hesitant at walking into the sunlight. This is understandable as he is about to show us actual proof, for the first time, that he is other than human: "Edward seemed to take a deep breath, and then he stepped out into the bright glow of the midday sun."

The chapter ends there, it makes me want to keep reading. Something that hasn't happened yet in my experience reading the book. Perhaps next week's post will be free of any criticism if it continues in this vein.


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*Which she never comes across as being, but we are told that she is one.

Anxiety (pg. 246-252)

Bella is experiencing a good deal of anxiety the day before her big date with Edward. The only trouble is that she is experiencing it for all the wrong reasons. Normally, before a first date, some anxiety is quite normal. You can plan everything down to the last detail but still there is always the possibility that the restaurant you pick will be packed, the movie will be sold out, or that picnic in the park/forest will have to be put on hold because of rain. Then there are the self-conscious questioning about saying the right thing, doing the right thing, etc. It's too bad that this is the cause of Bella's anxiety and not the repeated remarks from Eddie about how he might murder her.

Alice and Edward have departed the lunch room and Edward tells her to keep safe. Bella replies, "safe in Forks-what a challenge." Sarcastically because it's a small enough town that keeping safe should be no challenge, this causes Edward to disagree, "for you it is a challenge."

I agree as well. For her it is a challenge, not because she's a trouble magnet or because of her alleged clumsiness but because she is willingly hanging out with someone who fears that he might lose control of himself and kill her. I know that at this point I'm being quite rote in repeated the fact but they keep bringing it's a sticking point with the characters as well. Meyer seems to feel that we, the audience, are idiots who don't get it. Yes, we get it, stop telling us that she is danger with him. It's bad writing, but somewhat excusable for a first time novelist.

My biggest problem with this section and something that I have come to realize is my biggest issue with Bella is that the more she talks the more we realize how much of an idiot she really is, "tomorrow would be pivotal. Our relationship couldn't continue to balance, as it did, on the point of a knife. We would fall off one edge or the other depending entirely upon his decisions or his instincts."

The metaphor doesn't really work here. I'm reminded of Walter Kurtz in Apocalypse Now,* "I saw a snail crawl along the edge of straight razor." This one works because Kurtz is seeing the difficulty between what it will take to win the war but also the price that such a victory will mean. Bella's point of the knife (although I'm certain that she means "edge" as well) doesn't make sense because her relationship hangs on the will of Edward. She's made her decision she's going to ride it out till the end, it's up to him.

Unlike Kurtz who sees victory and defeat in his snail we don't know where this knife point is hanging. We can make some assumptions: one side is breaking up, the other is death. However those are assumptions, and since Bella doesn't tell us we can never be sure. It's false tension because nothing comes across as anything more than first-date jitters, but it should. It should be about blood lust and losing impulse control both for the vampire and the teen age girl but Bella doesn't think about any of that. The worse thing for her is that she will get dumped.

In some ways that does make sense. It took forever for me to get over that first girl, and it's quite normal for a teenager to think the world is going to end if they aren't in a particular relationship. Yet, without knowing why it is that she is attracted to him, beyond his looks, it's hard to even empathize with the devastation of a first heart break.

While we are on the subject of heart breaks, we get a nice little scene with Mike. His crush on Bella has not really abated even though he's got Jessica on his arm. It makes him pathetic but not despicable. He's just a really nice guy who got shot down by a girl and is now just trying to maintain some resemblance of friendship with her. She is, after all, part of his circle of friends. It's really too bad that he hasn't developed the cynicism yet to just cut his losses but if anyone is going to teach him that it will certainly be Bella.

It's gym class, again** and Mike is asking about her trip to Seattle. Bella explains that she isn't going anymore because of her car. "What are you doing, then?' he asked, too interested."

I don't understand what "too interested" is supposed to mean here. If he all of the sudden smiled or betrayed some elation that she wasn't going to Seattle that would be one thing. It would show that his crush is still going and that not going to Seattle means that they get to hang out. However, since everyone is going to the dance they still have to hang out with everyone. His interest seems to be about giving Bella something to do, which is nice but Bella reminds him that they are no longer playing in the same league and that he needs to back off her.

Mike makes a generous offer of having he come to the dance with everyone. He takes into account the fact that she doesn't dance and won't have a date since Bella's lie is that Edward is going out of town. She rudely berates him for it, "Fine,' he sulked again. 'I was just offering."

Bella is behaving quite unreasonably, especially to the first person that not only guided her on the first day of school but also introduced her to people. It's important to remember that the only thing Mike did was ask her, since she had canceled her plans, to go to the dance with their friends. Of course he is sulking, she's being a complete bitch about everything. It would be nice to be able to blame Edward for this but we can't. This is truly who Bella is, and unfortunately this isn't the type of person we should want to identify with.

At home she dispenses some quick lies to her father, lies that are "coming more naturally than usual." I like the "than usual" part of that quote. It shows us something I doubt we were meant to see. It admits that Bella is a liar, just now she's doing it better than she used to, it's only too bad that she's such an idiot. She tells her father that she's not going to Seattle but that he shouldn't cancel his plans because, "I've got a million things to do...homework, laundry...I need to go to the library and the grocery store."

One thing that Bella and I have in common is that both of our fathers were cops. Being the child of a cop means that you learn to lie carefully because a cop is trained to detect bullshit. Which is too bad for Bella because two of these lies are going to require evidence in order for her not to get caught. If she claims that she is staying home to do laundry and then go to the store, she's going to have to produce both clean clothes and groceries or she's busted. Officer Swan may want to trust his daughter and have no suspicion that she is secretly dating the son of the local chief of medicine, but he may be concerned that she isn't adjusting well to the small town of Forks when he comes back from fishing and sees no laundered clothes or new food in the fridge. He might show some special concern because Bella decides that in order to sleep she, "deliberately took unnecessary cold medicine--the kind that knocked me out for a good eight hours."

If you were the chief, and your daughter said she was staying home to do laundry and the shopping but instead you find dirty clothes, an empty fridge, and missing cough syrup you might be thinking that it's time to make a quick call to the suicide hotline...unless of course she's just "robo-tripping.***"

Treating friends with scorn for being nice, wanton lying, dating a person who is a complete sociopath, and abusing over the counter medicine: remember that Bella is the girl that millions of fans idolize what a great role model you've given us Stephanie.



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*If you can still find the original better movie, the Redux version is a good example of how more is less.

**I didn't take gym class this much, I think at the most it was twice a week not everyday.

*** Or 'tussin, I've heard it both ways referring to purposely ingesting large amounts of robotussin for the hallucinogenic experience.