The Mysterious Case of Dr. Carlisle (Pg. 329-338)

"How old is Dr. Carlisle?"

This is a good question, although because of his unique nature it has two answers. Like Edward who is both 17 and over a hundred, we need both of them mainly because of how badly Edward is written. If you've been following this blog one my main complaints is that Edward is supposed to be a centurion but acts like a 17 year old with more talents than the average teenager. Dr. Cullen is going to be much older, but we don't know exactly how old he was when he was changed. It's curious because there is the possibility that Meyer is going to write consistently here. Perhaps the vampires in her universe are forever stuck in the age when they were changed, that would be odd but it would at least allow us to forgive Edward's actions a little bit.

First off we learn that Dr. Carlisle is the son of an Anglican preacher. I'm not sure if that makes him more interesting or if this explanation is just a lame attempt to drive religion into the story. I'm willing to suspend judgment on that thus far. He's Anglican and then we learn that, "Carlisle was born in London, in the 1640s, he believes. Time wasn't marked as accurately then, for the common people anyway."

An interesting point of history is that the religious sect known as the Puritans were still allowed within the umbrella of the Anglican church until the 1660s. I think that if Meyer was going to set up some dichotomy between what Carlisle was raised as and what he eventually became it would have been better to call his father a Puritan rather than a simple Anglican. The Puritans, to quote Robin Williams, were the people so uptight the British didn't even want them. They make our Christian Fundamentalists look progressive by comparison, that makes for a more interesting conflict. So obviously we don't get it...then again the story isn't about Dr. Cullen so we can give that a pass.

The thing about time not being marked accurately is odd to me. The Gregorian calendar was adopted in 1582, the Julian calendar had been adopted since the time of the Romans, so I don't understand how he couldn't know his exact age. The printing press, the church, and the government of England would have kept dates. If we have exact dates for the landing at Plymouth, the date of the defeat of the Spanish Armada, etc. not having a date for Carlisle's birth is odd. It's not like his father was a coal miner or some peasant either, he was a preacher which meant he was literate and could read a calendar. Also he would be quite able to remember how many summers he's been alive, the exact date...maybe not, but he should have the year down.

Carlisle's father gets more and more Cotton Mather-ish as the descriptions go on, "He also believed very strongly in the reality of evil. He led hunts for witches, werewolves,...and vampires.' I grew stiff at the word. I'm sure he noticed, but he went along without pausing."

So he wasn't just a preacher he was a crusader. I wonder how many the senior Cullen put to the flame that were actually creatures of the netherworld. If you read any of the history about the witch hunts you will discover two important features: the first is that a great deal less people were executed than popular culture (and Wiccans) would have you believe. For instance the infamous Salem witch trials killed 20 people,* that's it. While the Satanists and the Wiccans refer to this period as the "burning times" they also seem to neglect the fact that those unfortunates in Salem were hanged. The other feature is that hardly any people practicing witchcraft were killed at all. The problem was that accusation was as a good as guilt, plus the "victim" of the witch was also able to make a property claim on the witch's estate. This led to a great deal of abuse, especially by those following the malleus maleficarum** as the guide to locating witches, or professional witch hunters looking to collect bounties. Remember that it would be virtually impossible to prove that someone isn't a witch once accused. In fact, things like this are STILL happening in modern sub-Saharan Africa.

The end of the above quote confuses me as well. Why does Bella stiffen at the mention of the word "vampire?" To be sure that is a fear response, but what is she afraid of? She's already in the den of the vampires, she doesn't care that they exist, and she's there of her own free will. Is it because they used to hunt the vampires? That doesn't make sense since they don't live in Kenya. That Edward doesn't stop is actually testament to him. She has no reason to be afraid if she's come this far.

Dr. Cullen's father passes away, we never learn how, and the burden of hunting evil is thrust on Carlisle. He finds some real vampires, which implies that he's been killing fake vampires for awhile now, and they live in the sewers of London, "In those days, when monsters were not just myths and legends, that was the way many lived."

At first I thought that sentence was stupid. Then I realized that it is very cleverly worded. It's not that vampires and werewolves don't exist in Bella's present it's that no one believes in them now. As opposed to back then when people thought they were real. Meyer did good on that sentence.

Carlisle chases the vampires into the sewer with a crowd of pitchfork and torch wielding commoners running down a vampire who attacks them. The vampire cries out in Latin but gets the drop on Carlisle who hides under potatoes for three days emerging with the full knowledge of what he had become. Something is missing. Carlisle is attacked but then he hides when other people come to his aid and chase off the vampire.

Carlisle was merely attacked, is that all it takes? "He paused. I could sense that he was editing something, keeping something from me."

Really Bella!? Edward is hiding something from you and you think that it's noteworthy. Here's a clue sweetheart: he's always hiding something from you. What could he be hiding? I'm thinking the sex. In a dismally horrible movie with Casper Van Dien and Craig Ferguson called "Modern Vampires" that was the key to turning a person into a vampire. What else could he be hiding? Blood draining? It's really the only thing that makes sense.

Which would be a nice metaphor because this whole Vampire hunting preacher that becomes one himself would be just like all of those Anti-Gay ministers that get busted for having sex with men.*** Too bad Meyer is a Mormon and that their church was so instrumental in getting the ballot voted down in California last year. Carlisle recognizing what he has become decides that he's going to attempt to kill himself, but he doesn't know how which is a nice touch since he can't do the normal things like laying out in the sun. The other thing we learn is that Meyer's vampires can't get killed by being dunked under running water, which is an old myth that has gone the way of phlogiston theory, but it used to be a classic.

Carlisle overcomes his bloodlust and swims to France. Bella is aghast, "He swam to France?"

Edward is funny because he reminds her that people do that all the time. The point of Calais is so close to England that it's a regular event for trained swimmers. What surprises Bella the most is that she finally realizes that Vampires don't need to breathe and she freaks out. The super-speed, strength, the mind reading, the blood drinking, the lack of regular food, the prophesying, the agelessness, hypnosis, she takes all of that in stride. Only two things about being a vampire really get her attention: the striking good looks and the fact that they don't need to breathe. She can't really be this stupid can she?

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*Or 19 depending on when you stop the period of the trials.

**"The hammer of the Witch" a 15th century handbook on finding, prosecuting, and executing witches.

***It's a nice coincidence that it happened again this week.

Meeting the Jetsons (Pg. 319-329)

Note: Due to a long school day on Monday, this will be the last Monday post. From now on updates will occur on Tuesdays.

The Jetsons aren’t a very notable cartoon/sitcom for a number of reasons: the first being that despite the futuristic (although by now it’s probably in the past) setting their technology was less than that of the Flinstones, they were just a Flinstones knock-off to boot, and the whole thing is just 1950s sexism taken to an absurd extreme.* What is especially notable is the opening sequence:

It’s not especially catchy, the animation isn’t anything that Warner Bros. or Disney wasn’t doing a billion times better and it is possibly the laziest way of introducing characters and their roles, one by one. This sort of introduction was in vogue in the 1960s, the actual date of the Jetsons show, but quickly it loses flavor except in ensemble shows like SNL or MadTV. It simply doesn’t work for television, and it certainly doesn’t work for books but for some reason we have it here in Twilight.

Bella has just fainted from kissing Edward which is lame enough on its own but at this point I am getting quite sick of Meyer trying to cram it down here throats that he’s the most desirable male to ever have existed. By the one millionth time, I think this is just wish fulfillment and that the author herself is missing something or in love with her own character. No matter that she recovers and is whisked off to the Vampire stronghold of Forks, Dr. Cullen’s house.

All of Vampire literature and film makes this trip a big deal. The video game series Castlevania is basically built around the premise of the sudden appearance of Castle Dracula which makes me think that Meyer is purposely juxtaposing the typically ominous journey of this with complete flippancy as Bella points out the nice driveway and how well lit the house is itself. I’m glad that I read each section twice because I simply didn’t get it the first time. “And then after a few miles, there was some thinning of the woods, and we were suddenly in a small meadow, or was it actually a lawn?”

It’s a lawn and it’s entirely normal. And that may be the point, it shouldn’t be normal because it’s a vampire’s house. Which I felt was a clever move since it could have gone either the dark, gloomy, and stereotypical route which I would have criticized for being cliche or not mentioned at all.

After some brief reassuring from Edward that her family will like her (but not that they won’t eat her) they go inside so that Bella can formally meet the family as Edward’s boyfriend. It plays like the Jetson’s opening only with more self-pity and whining. Hum it along if you want to. First, at the top of the stairs, we meet Carlisle Cullen, “I’d seen Dr. Cullen before, of course, yet I couldn’t help but be struck again by his youth, his outrageous perfection.”

Nothing like outrageous perfection, it’s funny because this is the first time anyone has mentioned it before. How young is he? Or better yet, how young does he look? We know from Charlie that the nurses** seem smitten with him, but that doesn’t imply perfection just attractiveness. Bella didn’t even mention it before, although we could give her some wiggle room since she was just almost hit by a car. She says hello and Dr. Cullen replies, “You’re very welcome Bella.”

Finally. For three hundred pages we’ve been told how old fashioned the Cullen family act and on page 323 we finally get evidence of this.

Next down the stairs is Esme, who is “Snow White in the flesh” whatever that means. She is also extremely polite given both her breeding and age. Then comes daughter Alice, whom we’ve already met. The odd thing is that Alice isn’t looked at any differently now, even though Bella knows that she can see the future. It’s like finding out your best friend has wings but never bringing it up. Something should change especially given the foreshadowing from earlier in the chapter. Then there is Carlisle’s boy Jasper, all leonine in appearance. It’s pretty mundane and they sit around asking Bella some questions before telling Edward to play something on the piano.

The scene is boring and is nothing more than exposition of new characters. It gets interrupted by Esme’s admiration for Edward which is too much again in a chapter already full of too much. WE GET IT, HE’S AWESOME, tone it down some.

After finishing his masterpiece on the piano (an original composition), Bella notices that everyone is gone. She points his out and Edward explains, “Very subtly giving us some privacy, I suppose.”

In the magnificent series The Wire, there is a scene where one of the drug lords needs someone framed and he tells an underling to do it but “be subtle with that shit.” He then makes sure that the underling understands the meaning of the word “subtle.” Which is not leaving people alone by physically leaving them alone in a room. No, subtle would be letting them sit and talk while everyone else busied themselves. See, this way they are alone, but they aren’t actually alone that’s subtle.

Bella does notice, in Alice’s absence, that she was acting a bit weird. You know more strange than she normally does compared to the one other time that Bella has met her. Edward has an answer, “Alice has her own way of looking at things, he said through tight lips.“

I’m guessing that she would, given that she has the 2nd power.*** Now would be a good time to for us to learn what it actually is that Alice has seen in her glass. It would be in context and be extremely pertinent to learn it right now, “He realized that I knew he was keeping something from me. I realized that he wasn’t going to give anything away. Now now.”

Yep, it was the perfect time but the only thing we learned is that Bella knows her place, and that place is not asking questions.

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*All women like to shop and date boys is the lesson that the show imparts, and I’m not even one of those guys.

**Which is another sexist comment that slipped by me the first time. It’s so completely stereotypical as well, all of the nurses in the hospital are women hoping to land a doctor for a husband. Of course a good number of nurses, in real life, are men but needn’t concern ourselves with facts about the real world.

***Let’s see if anyone gets that movie reference.

Vice Versa (Pg. 316-319)

This book, for me, is a lot like feeling nostalgia for movies that I liked as a kid. It's fun to reminisce about an old Judge Rheinhold/Fred Savage vehicle but under no circumstances should you ever try and re-watch them, or even look them up because you are making an odd 80s reference in your blog. The reason is that the more you learn the less you like. Feeling that pain of sweet memory for an old cherished movie is nice but quit while you are ahead and don't ruin it. Entire Star Wars forums are devoted to how much childhood memories have been ruined* by George Lucas. With Bella and Edward the problem for me is that the more that they talk the less I really want to know.

It's a systemic problem in the book because they aren't likable characters for two important reasons. The first being personality, but going into that in depth would result in me recapping this entire series thus far. I don't feel the impetus to doing that right now. The second is that there are two many times that they all of the sudden switch roles and opinions. Most of the time Edward is all about protecting Bella from danger and other times he's actively inviting her to it. I get that this is the real crux of the book. All of the tension and conflict is going to come into that danger, but if he's so intent on protecting her why does he invite her to meet his family in there isolated house? That just seems to be the worst idea he can make.

Of course that's not Bella's concern, "I'm not afraid of them,' I explained. 'I'm afraid they won't...like me. Won't they be, well, surprised that you would bring someone...like me...home to meet them? Do they know that I know about them?"

First off, they know. We know they know and she does as well. We know this because Edward spent a great deal of time in the pasture in the forest explaining his absence for a week, the fights that he had with his other family members about this very relationship. By the six legs of Sleipnir she met Alice. It is possible however that I'm being to harsh, she's nervous...for the wrong reason but nervous nonetheless, so this could just be an act so she can delay the inevitable. If we take that as our reasoning it makes sense.

It makes even more sense when we consider her actions since moving to Forks. Essentially she's isolated herself from everyone else that has even tried to be friends with her. Bella has taken their generous tokens of friendship and used them merely as means to achieve her relationship with Edward. This was never her goal from the outset but once she spotted the Cullens everything changed. After all, what was really wrong with Mike?

Bella changes the subject, "So did Alice see me coming?"

Alice, the Cullen's Delphic Oracle, can see the future. Yet her limitation is that she is much better at seeing the future of her own kind. This is like knowing the threads the three fates of Greek mythology are weaving once you know, you can't un-know, and the if the future is written** do we really want to see how things turn out? Bella doesn't really care right here, she's just delaying.

Edward's reaction is worth reporting, "His reaction was strange. 'Something like that,' he turned and said uncomfortably."

That's pretty obvious foreshadowing right there. We can glean, and hope, that Alice didn't see Bella but saw something different because of her. Whenever I picture Alice I see her in a white/gray cloak looking into a bowl of water and then prophesying in some hollow voice. What's more curious to me though is if her prophecies are straightforward or like those given in Herodotus. Because for Edward to be uncomfortable whatever she said must have been bad. As though she brings a coming conflict, and yet like Cassandra she's completely ignored. Shouldn't the good Doctor Cullen be consulting his prescient daughter on just about everything? Or, like the time turner in Harry Potter, is this going to be ignored because the plot works better if we don't have the future already known?

None of this matters, because the self-proclaimed intelligent Bella doesn't address his tone or his uncharacteristically sheepish manner as she has relationship issues to discuss. On the other end, shouldn't Edward be a bit more forthcoming with impending doom? Especially since he loves her so much.

He should, but maybe it's his old school mannerisms preventing him from doing so. First we have to establish the relationship, "And you should introduce me to your father, too, I think."

I've said it numerous times already, it makes absolutely no sense for her to keep this as much as a secret as she already has unless my uncomfortable theory is correct. It's important to note that while Bella knows that Edward is a vampire, Bella's father does not. Aside from the usual nervousness about having the folks meet the new relationship none of her actions make a lot of sense. Edward should be understandingly frustrated with Bella about this. His argument is actually a good one, he's her boyfriend, he's taking her to meet his parents (who are all vampires), so why shouldn't she do the same?

Her reaction is to get all mopey because Edward's just her boyfriend. I know what I said last week, but she's moving way too quick on this one. "Just" what more can they be? Since they are living in Washington state, and they both are claimed to be 17, they will need their legal guardians to sign off on the marriage. That should actually be more of a reason for her to push for the meeting with Charlie Swan. Yet there's another issue at stake here, "I cringed at the thought of Edward and Charlie and the word boyfriend all in the same room at the same time."

Oh yeah, she's got what we call "issues." The phrasing of that sentence is all the proof I need. It's not about her having her father meet her boyfriend. It's something completely different. This is just the type of girl I would bring home to my parents.

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*Which of course is complete bullshit. He can't ruin your memory as it is YOUR memory, he can only make new stuff suck.

**Not noting the pun, but rather we don't know the accuracy of Alice's predictions only that she found one of the Cullens wandering alone.

Love and Lust (Pg. 308-315)

One of the worst things that a person can do on the outset of any relationship is begin talking about the long game, or moving too fast with plans for the relationship. No one, man or woman, wants to really hear about what things could be like if they move in together during the first couple weeks. The quicker a person tries to latch on the more pungent the stink of desperation. Some things should be enjoyed for what they are, living in the moment, and the first mention of the long term immediately ruins the "honeymoon" phase of the relationship, it becomes less dreamy and more real. Who really wants real when they are drunk on infatuation? Bella decides that after spending a chaste night with Edward to ruin the newness of the relationship, "Well, I did wonder...about you and me...someday."

Then again, she's young. At 17 I know this has a different impact than on someone who is 21-30 for two reasons: first a teenager tends to think that the way things are now is the way that things are always going to be. That first girlfriend/boyfriend is the one simply because they are the one. It's really the only relationship that there is experience with so why not act as if it will always be the case. Secondly at 17, no one really has any idea of what "the rest of your life" actually means. The body may be telling you that this relationship is going to last forever, but in the back of everyone's head at that age is the knowledge that life still needs to be lived; education, work, then possibly family.

Edward, though has every reason to act like a guy who has just been given the relationship talk by the new girlfriend. Because Edward isn't 17, despite how incorrectly he is written as being that age. He's had over a century of life under his belt and despite his insistence that he's "still a man" he acts like this is the first relationship he's ever had...which is possible but not plausible. We have been told that the Cullens have been nomadic but with their proclivity to interacting in society and repeatedly going to high school, there ought to have been at least one before. Maybe nothing serious but perhaps casual so when Bella drops the marriage bomb on him he should be thinking along the lines that he could just wait this out. After all the scythe of time will harvest her, but not him.

Secondly, if Bella thinks that this is going to be a life long relationship for her...it won't be for him. For Edward, who ought to be more experienced in such matters, should know that feelings change. In the long game, which for him is actually pretty short, she could just grow tired of his constant threats, tyranny, and iron handed treatment of her. Finally he acts like a real person telling Bella that the marriage between his siblings (remember they aren't really related) won't be their future. Unfortunately his reasons are not normal, "If I was hasty...if for one second I wasn't paying enough attention, I could reach out, meaning to touch your face, and crush your skull by mistake."

All of the times that Edward has gently brushed her cheek or removed a lock of hair from her eyes, he's been attempting to not crush her skull? Exactly how does he brush her face with an open hand applying his palm to her nose? I can't fathom for an instant how one could accidentally crush someone else's skull. The skull is one of the strongest parts of the human body being spherical in shape it resists that exact force, it's like trying to crush an egg in your fist (do over sink). There's no way that he can seriously fear accidentally killing her, unless he gets angry or frustrated at conversations about eternal commitment during their first couple weeks of dating.

There's also an awkward conversation about sex as well. The two makes sure that each one is physically attracted to each other. Edward subtly asks if Bella is a virgin, first laying the groundwork that love and lust don't necessarily coincide. Ok, that works, and once she answers that she's "never" he seems satisfied. I am curious to wonder what would have happened if she weren't a virgin. What if, back in Phoenix, under the guidance of her hippie mother she had sex with someone and that's why she's shy and introverted. Maybe the most popular guy in the school slept with her and then dumped her right after. Would Edward run or be disgusted? It's too bad we will never know because if that had happened in Phoenix Bella's character would be infinitely more sympathetic and likable even if nothing else was different. It would explain everything, her dislike of Mike, her unwillingness to enter into real friendships with the other girls in the school, etc. Unfortunately Bella's purity actually makes her more unlikable but more appealing to Edward. What about Edward?

"That's nice. We have that one thing in common, at least." 

Edward's virginity is more of a mystery to me. Not because of his age, I guess he could really be saving himself, but because of the age he was when he was turned. At 17, during the earliest of the 20th century it's not uncommon for someone to have already been married or at least entered into an arranged marriage by their parents...depending on his social class. Yet, if he was as attractive then as he is now, it doesn't seem to be that far fetched that some shenanigans may have been indulged in. Remember, he used to be a teenager, and at 17 the male mind is pretty occupied with one thing and he's been 17 for a long time. Yet Edward's sexual status means nothing to his character. Unlike Bella, it wouldn't change my opinion of him at all.

Bella having spent the night cuddling with him in bed is now flushed with excitement, "The face in the mirror was practically a stranger-eyes too bright, hectic spots of red across my cheekbones." I love pointing out when Meyer does good work and again, it's with descriptions that she really shines. Bella has that flush that comes only from being high in the dawn of new love, our author really puts us into her shoes here.

She even continues with some playful flirting and joking too, it gives me hope for the rest of the book. Edward reminds Bella that she has to eat something, which I guess makes sense although it should have been Bella that reminded Edward. When he tells her that it's breakfast time, Bella jokingly guards her neck with her hands. I have to admit that I laughed. It's cute and it's funny, she's showing a human side of her playing with the notion that she's over the special difference between them. Unfortunately Edward doesn't think so and rebukes her for bringing levity to their relationship where it apparently has no place.

It was explained to me that an appeal of Edward is that he can sleep next to a girl, all night, and not grope or try to sex her up. Ok, I get that can be appealing, but he has no sense of humor which is the number one thing I hear from women about what is attractive in a guy. The joke, is funny, and I'm not the only one that thinks so.

"It was very funny, and you know it." But I examined his gold eyes carefully, to make sure that I was forgiven. Apparently, I was."

If his ability to not go for home base while sleeping next to a girl is desirable, I can buy it. But if he follows that up the next morning by getting so angry at a joke that Bella has to search for contrition after making a joke, I'm back to hating the character and by transition the people that adore him. Edward is apparently the ideal boyfriend unless he's hungry, in a bad mood, or otherwise agitated because then he's reminding Bella how easy it is for him to kill her. Which of course means that the next logical step is for him to introduce her to his family.