The Truth (ch. 23)

So this one is again a week late, and I don't have the excuse of having lost the book either. No, this to week's post (actually last week's) is hard to write. It's hard because in writing these posts I try and say something interesting each update. Whether the section was extremely good or extremely bad, it doesn't matter that actually makes the posts easier. The worse, for me to read, usually means the better for me to write. And there are two kinds of bad: there is the bad that is bad writing (choppy dialogue, sentence fragments, etc.) and there's bad story telling (plot holes, contradictions, unbelievable events, etc.). This section is almost exclusively dialogue, which is promising when you consider that Meyer hasn't shown any adeptness at writing dialogue. Sure, the nerds will all claim that she is horrible at everything but I have one thing to say to them:

Fuck you. I've read these damn books, and I know you're wrong.

Meyer has what I call, "the Lucas/Whedon Conundrum." This is when a person is pretty decent at setting up a big picture type story but then when it comes to populating it with characters who have to talk to each other things begin to fall apart. At least Michael Bay doesn't think he's creating art, unlike Lucas and Whedon. I guess I should prove this conundrum. Lucas is responsible for the universe of Star Wars and yet seems the need to throw in a muppet every once in awhile. He can wrangle incredible actors and then give them shit characters. Whedon gave us Alien: Resurrection. Bitch all you want and tell me that the final creature wasn't his idea and I still won't care, because that movie is a shot by shot remake of the Poseidon Adventure set in space with monsters. Nothing new or original in it.

Meyer's got the same problem. Sure her universe isn't as interesting as Lucas' epic space battle, or Whedon's hellmouths, but she's got some potential here. It's when the characters have to live in this world that becomes the problem, especially when it is essentially our world only with fantasy creatures. Bella's reactions aren't realistic for discovering and fraternizing with vampires and werewolves. What's worse is that she isn't even realistic as a normal person. And all of that is painfully realized in this chapter. That's not even mentioning the return of Edward.

This chapter is titled the Truth, as if there were going to be some big reveal. Some fact that we don't already know, or a twist that would explain everything. Let's say Edward explains that he's been working with Jacob all along to trap Victoria, it would be corny but it would at least be honest. Yet nothing in this chapter is anything like a reveal. All we are told is that Eddie left because he wanted Bella to live a normal happy human life. While he was gone he was learning to become a tracker (more on that in a little bit) but he sucked at it, so he left. Then the thing happened with Alice's prophecy and we're caught up. We also learn that Edward is going to committ suicide when Bella dies of old age in the future.Then the chapter ends with Bella and Edward confessing their love and that Bella wants to be a vampire.

Does any of that, aside from the suicide thing, sound like--ahem--SHIT WE ALREADY DIDN'T KNOW? No? That's because the entire chapter is a recap of the fucking book. Remember three chapters ago when Bella rescued Edward (even though Alice would have been the smarter decision given her speed), and he didn't believe it? Yeah, when Bella wakes up from sleeping they have the exact same conversation where one of them doesn't believe they are alive. They even make the comment about how death isn't so bad if the other one is there. The only difference is that the roles are reversed. I can't tell if this is supposed to be clever or we are just at the point where shit needs to get wrapped up. It sucks in either case.

As I said earlier there are only two points of interest here and lets go with the suicide thing first. Edward claims that he won't live in a world without Bella. Yeah that's the type of boyfriend the young girls ought to pine for, the emotionally manipulative ones. He flat out tells her that he'll stick around until she dies of old age and then he'll kill himself shortly after. She views this as romantic, but I don't. It's bullshit. Why? For two reasons and both are plot based. One is that the Volturri are going to come for Bella. They said so, Alice predicted it (even though her powers shouldn't work on Bella), Bella isn't dying of old age. Secondly, Edward comments that the Italians count the years like days, so what stops him from doing so. Yeah seventy years is a lot to Bella, but to Edward it's nothing. And after she goes, he's free to move on to another high school girl.

Secondly is Edward's chosen other profession--that of Tracker. If we remember from last novel, James was a Tracker. This meant that he was able to hunt down and find Bella's mother's house with little to no knowledge of her beforehand. In fact, the Cullens were scared of her, and going back to that book there Edward yells at Alice, "he's a tracker Alice, did you see that? he's a tracker!"

Alright being a tracker is something you can see, but Edward is just going to do it? Is there a medal or something on his chest, a patch? Edward, as it turns out is pretty bad at it. Which is actually the highlight of the chapter, because finally there is something that this paragon of virtue and ability can't do. It's almost like character development. Almost. Because he is bad at it.

This is hard for me to write, but this is the one thing he should excel at. He has all of the senses of Wolverine, the speed of Quicksilver (I am not, nor ever was a DC guy), and the telepathy of Professor X. Yet in following Victorie he somehow ends up in Brazil. Victoria it should be noted has been travelling on foot and has spent a significant amount of time in this book in and around Forks. If he ever caught her scent, it should be impossible for him to lose it unless one of two things happened: either he didn't care enough, or she was bitten by James Madrox of X-Factor. Given the latter's impossibility only the former is left. Seriously, he ended up in Brazil. Of course if he wanted to protect Bella so badly he might have stuck around to deal with Laurent, but he let those shiftless werewolves do that didn't he.

No, this chapter makes no sense. And like someone who is going to argue that the moon landing was faked, reason and coherency have no place. It would have been better if "The Truth" was in the asking of the question, "so why didn't you just call me?" It really wouldn't matter who asked the question or who answered it, as long as it was out there.

Exodus (The New Moon Walkthrough Ch. 22)

We're back...unfortunately.

Recapping from last week's summary: Bella, Alice, and Edward are walking out of the castle de vampire in the town of Volterra. Well not really, they're walking out of the inner sanctum and back in to the real world where the building they were in transforms from the gray rock of a dungeon and into an ornate Renaissance mansion (or bank, or church, it's never really explained what kind of building this is supposed to be). No matter what it is they have to wait in the lobby until the sun goes down. The receptionist is there which elicits some awkwardness for some reason. It's kind of strange to me that there isn't a special room that they can wait in, but given the fact that reflected light seems to have no effect on the sparkling I guess it really doesn't matter. I don't know, but after a few hours it just seems like they would have been better off in the dungeon, for reasons that will be clear in a few pages.

How is Bella? We'll she's hysterical. Although it's unclear why she is so. One might say that she's freaking out for having escaped so close her own death, but...that doesn't work given her history in this novel and the last. Sure she was freaked out when she thought the wolves were going to eat her in the woods, but one good night sleep (that she had no trouble getting) and it was all in the past. She also approached the existence of werewolves with the stoic demeanor of the average person finding a five dollar bill in a jacket. Now, she's hysterical? Bella, please. Nope, the only reason she's like this is so that Edward can hold and comfort her. Is there a term for a condition wherein a person gets weaker around another?

How bad is she? Well she keeps hearing a rumbling noise that she can't pinpoint, "The ripping sound was the sobs coming from my chest."

Unless a small insect-like creature is going to burst through her rib cage I don't see how this is realistic. I have a three year old daughter and even at her utmost hysterics (because we won't play Mario Kart) she has never made a "ripping sound" when sobbing. I get that Myer wants us to believe how dangerous the situation was, but I just can't buy it. It's utterly inconsistent with her character thus far, but more importantly it's utterly inconsistent with the very idea of the character even though that idea is never communicated through the writing. I mean, it is but it isn't. We now how Bella perceives herself, but that perception is not reflective of the reality of her.

After being calmed down with some chaste kisses on the forehead Bella notices the human receptionist. The existence of the woman confuses her because apparently humans hanging around with vampires is wrong despite the fact that she is literally doing the same thing right now in the lobby. Bella wants to know if the receptionist is aware of what was going on downstairs, Edward answers that she does, but she's hoping that after a couple of years of working for them she will be turned. Pretty obvious if you ask me. Bella doesn't think so:

"How can she want that?' I whispered more to myself than really looking for an answer."

Really Bella!? Because every time the subject comes up you are practically on your knees asking for it. What should be holding her back? She knows their entire world, which, comparatively is more than you know. All Bella knows is the vampire life a bunch of vegan hipsters live in Washington. This receptionist though knows the entire hierarchy, all of the laws, who is in charge, and more importantly how they eat. Bella is rattled about the dining, but she forgets what Gianna, the receptionist, knows; the one's downstairs eating up a group of sex crazed tourists: they're the normal vampires.

Alice said it herself last book, the vampires are over evolved predators. They have specific bodily functions designed to capture and kill their prey--the attractiveness, the teeth, the speed, the strength, etc. If we buy into the myriad extra powers they have they are purposely designed to capture and kill humans. The Cullens are just the vegans of the vampire world--strange, annoying, pretentious, smug--the reason human beings have canine teeth is to rip meat. Now if the vegan wants to deny their nature and not eat meat, that's their choice--but they have to recognize that it isn't the normal choice. Just like a vampire who won't eat humans.

Bella still being worried about the future looks to Alice for guidance, Alice replies that she will see Jasper in 24 hours. Bella is relieved, "Lucky Alice, she could trust her future."

Actually no she can't considering that she's been wrong on important occasions. More importantly is that this is one of those lines that sounds clever when first read but upon repeated readings gets worse and worse, like "it is what it is." Yeah that sounded good when I first heard it back in 1995 in "Things to Do in Denver When You're Dead" but now when someone says it to me it takes all the self restraint in the world for me not scream back, "OF COURSE IT IS! WHAT ELSE THE FUCK COULD IT BE!?*"

Gianna tells them that sun has set and they can leave now. For this Alice shoots her a dark look (get it?), but I don't understand why. It would be like yelling at the jail guard who is checking you out of prison having your death sentence commuted. Sure you may not like the person but what happened to civility?

Then there is the escape from Volterra. I say escape, as the chapter is titled "Flight," but it's misnamed. Getting to Volterra was a matter of urgency, getting from...is not. For instance, Alice steals a car. Why? Can't she just rent one? Or can they take a bus, or anything other than drawing attention to themselves. Why didn't the Volturri give them a vehicle? They travel from Volterra to Florence, and then hop a plane from Florence to Rome, and then from Rome back to the states.

There's an extra step in there: why didn't they just fly out from Florence to the US? Sure, neither airport in Firenze is an international but since they flew in from the US and landed in Florence we've already decided that geography isn't that important. How did they get tickets? They were in such a hurry that they had to steal the car, but they couldn't have stolen a plane. My favorite part is that in order to make the international flight, they have to go through customs, but they arrive at the airport in a stolen car? I hope, just hope, they paid in cash as well.

The transition from Italy to the US, is over. The Cullen family is waiting for them at the airport and Rosalie has to apologize to Bella. Why? Who cares. She's not an important character thus far, and the only reason we have for not liking her is that again, we've been told to not like her because she doesn't like Bella. I'm over it.

There's a weird conversation between Edward and Esme, in which Edward refers to her as "mom." I bring it up because I wonder if we are supposed to forget that Esme really isn't Edward's mom, but rather the girl Carlisle tried to set Edward up with but it didn't work out so Carlisle got her as a consolation prize. It was a nice touch in the last book that made Esme not Edward's actual mother, but we must have consistency. They are just pretending to be a standard family but they aren't that really.

Edward brings Bella home to Charlie, where he is not greeted with handcuffs or a hail of gunfire. Remember as far as Charlie knows his daughter just up and disappeared. She never called, she didn't leave a note. She asked Jake to do so but he took off before Alice and Bella did, so that didn't work out. Charlie is entirely justified in being angry, the only fault he has is that he's not angry enough. he should be tossing Edward on the ground restraining himself only with thoughts of his pledge to uphold the law. Still, if my daughter was kidnapped and dragged to Italy (this would be a legitimate thought in his head) to meet her exboyfriend and a week later they returned with her unconscious, he'd find out what the barrel of my Glock tasted like. The better move would have been to have Carlisle drop her off and explain things, not the incendiary move they decide upon. These vampires never really think things through.

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*Although being a Philosophy Grad Student, phrases like that actually come up in class (Metaphysics mostly) that don't mean the same platitude. Sometimes it's hard to distinguish.