Present ( it's a tangent complaint)

We're back after a week off due to a sudden illness of sorts. We're not exactly moving forward in the plot because there is a device that our author is using that bothered me at first and in the latest encounter with the wolves really drives me nuts. It's the disembodied voice of Edward that Bella is hearing in her mind which is warning her to stay out of danger and giving her advice when she's actually in danger.

We can turn to that perennial source of wisdom for people of my generation and younger, "The Simpsons." In the eighth season there was an episode titled "El Viaje Misterioso de Nuestro Jomer" or "The Mysterious Voyage of Homer," in which after eating some Gautemalan Insanity Peppers Homer hallucinates and is directed by a talking coyote voiced by Johnny Cash to find his soul mate. After waking up Homer hears the voice again and he tries to ask it a question. The voice replies, "I'm just your memory I can't give you any new information."

The parallel here is that the voice that Bella hears in her head of Edward can only be her memory. With that being stated, it is utterly impossible that this phenomenon can be giving her new advice. To be generous to the author, which is getting increasingly difficult lately, we can forgive his advice regarding two events of importance to the "plot." I'm hesitant to even make that claim because as we learned from the previous book the plot will take four hundred pages before we become aware of it and then it will dispense with itself in fifty.

These two instances are the motorcycle and the encounter with Laurent. If we accept that the voice she hears is merely her subconscious mind, or something similar, then it's easy to explain these two scenarios. She's putting herself in obvious danger and her brain is trying to tell her that she ought not to do that by summoning the only voice that she actually listens to. Which is pretty messed up, but at least consistent because she never hears the voice when she has been around Edward who is a much greater source of danger given everything we know of him...and that doesn't count the fact that he's some sort of vampire. In each case it's also new danger that she hears the voice, something she's never encountered while alone. This theory makes sense when we also note that in the other time that she rode the motorcycle it didn't appear. No voice because part of her is recognizing that the danger is no longer being perceived. It also explains why she heard it with Laurent, as she was around Laurent when he first appeared and when Laurent was feral. When Laurent reappears he presents the same danger as before.

What can't be explained is how the voice told her what to do around the large wolves. Danger, yes, that is perhaps why it appeared. What it said though cannot be explained without going outside of the story or violating yet another rule that the series has thus far established. Bella couldn't know how to act around the wolves (or, who are we kidding werewolves), so her subconscious couldn't know either. The only other explanation is that the voice is Edward's telepathically.

This explanation, if true, will make me give up reading these books. It's been established that Bella's brain doesn't work on the same frequency as other brains so Edward's special power of reading minds doesn't work. Maybe generous readers, fangirls, will give an explanation that communication and reading are two different things: if that's the case then how does he know she's in danger? Is he standing right there? Again, if that's the case the werewolves would have scented him or more importantly, what was he waiting for Laurent to strangle her?

My ability to suspend disbelief is being quite strained in this book already and this will be the last straw if it turns out to be actually Edward. So far we've had a number of established and then broken rules in this book. The vampires shine in sunlight but have no problem walking through crowded airports in the middle of the day in Arizona, vampirism gives special powers but Alice was psychic prior to being a vampire, saliva turns people into vampires but Bella and Edward have no trouble kissing, etc. It's not making sense and is really relegating certain elements of the story to being utterly arbitrary.

Which really leads us to threading the eye between Scylla and Charybdis. On the one hand we have a memory that can give new advice while on the other we have telepathic communication which violates a pretty important rule of the books so far: Bella's oh so specialness. Either case it's not looking good for the future.

Back to the plot next week.

Recycling (Pg. 229-246)

This is one time when I think that I will agree with the likes of Rush Limbaugh, recycling is a bad thing when it comes to plots. Once things are resolved they should be just that, resolved. Dredging up the past for the sake of convenience is not only boring but it also reminds you of all of the bad things from before. When we yearn for the past we are romanticizing it, forgetting the bad and only remembering the good.

For instance, in the last novel it took almost 300 pages to get to some actual tension. The meeting of the evil vampires. Looking back in my memory it would seem as though it was a highlight of an otherwise wearisome book. That doesn't mean that I want to relive the same shit from the past, because unromantically I remember that it was shitty. Unfortunately fate is a fickle mistress that likes to mess with you just because she can.

Before we get to that last week I had a criticism of Bella. It's pretty normal of me and this blog, but I mentioned how Bella is pretty dumb for wondering why Jacob hadn't called her when she was pretty explicit about not returning his affections and in fact never going to return his affections. Well if only I had turned the page last week, "He was taking my advice and not waste any more time on someone who couldn't return his feelings."

You get one point there Bella Swan, but the debt you're running is going to take forever to even up. Moving on.

Bella, upset about Jacob not calling lies to her father and decides to go and look for the meadow at the top of the forest herself. I suppose that her character could have grown, but if the experienced Jacob couldn't find the place it's pretty doubtful that the ignorant clumsy Bella could find it on her own. Except that her clumsiness isn't expressed once in the whole trip. Remember when Edward had to carry her because she couldn't make it without falling down? Yeah, me too.

Miraculously, she makes it just fine locating the meadow herself. It's been a year and it seems that nothing has changed. There is even a dark figure who steps out of the woods as she enters it herself. Who could it be?

"Laurent!' I cried in surprised pleasure."

We remember Laurent from the last book...and we're at the recycling. This is only book 2 of a series and there is roughly no reason to reintroduce a character that played no major role in the previous book. Sure he was part of the evil coven but he wasn't the evil one, that was James. Laurent had given the impression that he was going to convert to the vegetarianism of the Cullens going so far as even slap one of those apple stickers on his car (that's a joke for faithful readers with good memories). So why bring him back? It's lazy and cheap at this point. It's as bad as the fact that every iteration of Star Wars has to revisit Tatooine, it's a desert planet and it's not that interesting (they even say it in the first movie).

What's more puzzling is that Bella's reaction isn't one of mild fear or even hesitance but pleasure. Yeah, that makes a lot of sense. She's so deluded that seeing a vampire, even an evil one, reminds her of her dear sweet Edward. It's so incredibly stupid. Visiting the place where they had their first kiss is also stupid, but it's heart broken stupid which is forgiveable. It's important to note that this is a reaction, she doesn't have time to think, 'oh it's Laurent and I shouldn't be scared but rather happy to see him because he reminds me of Edward for some reason.' It's the first thing she thinks of, it's her impression upon first image. That's pretty messed up.

The message here ladies is this: if a group of people try and kill you and your boyfriend saves you by murdering one them, but later you meet one of the survivors you should be happy because that person reminds you of your boyfriend.

But wait there's more. Seeing Laurent sends Bella into some kind of nostalgia. Laurent apparently was a convert moving to Alaska to live with another vegetarian family up there, this memory forces her to think about the Cullens: "The other family like...but I couldn't let myself think the name." Later it occurs again but this time she allows herself to think it "I'd begun to picture him, on the rare occasions that I thought of him at all, with the same golden eyes that the...Cullens-I forced the name out, wincing--had."

Both of these are internal monologues, and she winces at them? She's not talking to anyone and the thoughts of a person don't change much if you don't use their name. What is she trying to do, not summon them? And who thinks occasionally of a friend of the person that tried to kill them? Idiot.

What's worse is that Laurent doesn't just look the same, but exactly the same. Meaning that he looks at Bella like she's food, Laurent hadn't changed, he met up with Victoria who is going to be upset, "about me killing you."

So Laurent, the person who thought that the Cullens had it good, actually lived in Alaska with the other vegetarians, is now suddenly an evil vampire once again. I get that sometimes people don't change, actually it's most of the time, but these two people put an entire country between them and somehow Laurent can't help but run into her. Why not bring us a new character or have Victoria be the one who returns. Laurent is there at her behest, why bring in a middle man. It's not like stealth seems to be his modus operandi, if the Cullens were there he would have been found and interrogated or just straight up murdered.

Just as Laurent is about to eat her, out comes the saving hand of the divine. A wolf so large and dire that it was the creature being mistaken for the bear in the woods. Laurent is afraid of it, and for once we actually get a good scene because Bella admits that she doesn't know what the hell is going on. She wants to know why Laurent is afraid, I mean they're wolves but he's a vampire. He should be able to annihilate them. Her questions make sense, her anxiety makes sense but the wolves don't seem to care about her at all. The trouble is that the situation presented is better than the writing of it. Bella is just too whiny and too enthralled with the voice of Edward in her head to make it work. Which is odd because the voice in her head has to be a memory, Edward's telepathy doesn't work on her, but somehow the memory is able to give new information for new, completely unique situations. If the voice never appeared the scene would have been good.

I should mention that there are five of them, and how many people were getting approached by the La Push gang (A French Rapper if I've ever hear of one*)? Two (Jacob and Embry), plus the three original members. We know where this is going.

Subtlety cannot be made with a hammer.

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*Not my joke, but a commenter on the wordpress version of this blog made it.

Narcissism (Pg. 225-228)

"Jacob didn't call."

Jake not calling is a big deal, but I wonder why it is for Bella. I say it's a big deal because we know that he is infatuated with Bella from last chapter and since they have been spending so much time together him not calling is odd. It's especially odd since he told her that he would call, and the sickness that everyone had seemed to pass over in a day. Could Bella be showing signs of humanity in her narcissistic worldview? Perhaps. We should note that this is the first sign of actual concern for another human being that she has. It's entirely altruistic, concerned with the other person without referring it back to herself or how her life would be affected.

Bella calls a couple of times and is not able to get through. She then has her dad call Harry Clearwater, friend of Billy's, to find out what is going on. From this circular route, which is a reasonable way of going about things I suppose, we find out three things: 1) Harry has been in the hospital for some kind of heart thing. 2) The phone lines have been messed up on the Reservation so that's why Bella hasn't been able to get through. 3) Jacob has mononucleosis.

Number 2, seems like a lame story but we must remember that this is the next day. The phones being down could just be a coincidence although phone companies do tend to put up a recording informing of the problem. The fact that Jacob has mono (or is claimed to have mono), explains some of his symptoms. I've saved the first thing for last, Harry's heart problem because of the reaction Bella has to it:

"Charlie was too worried about Harry. That was clearly the more important issue--it wouldn't be right to bug him with my lesser concerns."

This leads us to a discussion about one of the main problems with this book, and the last one. That of artificial tension between characters. Tension ought to arise from natural personality conflicts, or competing mutual desires ala Thomas Hobbes. For instance we understand that tension between Mike and Jacob at the movies last chapter because they both, for some reason, want Bella. It makes sense, it's identifiable, etc. The problem with this series thus far is that we know that there is tension between two characters because we are told there is tension, without any evidence for it. Furthermore, Bella's frequent impatience or anger at her father is utterly fictional. We can picture her rolling her eyes at her dad's concern for his friend, but why? The "lesser concern" of hers is just that: it's a lesser concern. Mononucleosis, isn't treatable and just goes away on its own.

I should know, I had it my second year of college. Harry's heart problem is potentially fatal, and Bella being the selfish narcissist that she is shows impatience at her father for being more concerned with the person who could die. This is very similar to Bella hiding Edward from her father in the first book. It didn't make any sense for her to do it, Charlie spoke of nothing bad about the Cullens going so far as to admire Carlisle and his family. Yet Bella thought it of some importance to hide her boyfriend from him. The conflict with Lauren is the same way, it comes out of the same place that the character of Lauren comes from: nowhere. However we are told that Lauren is a bitch and are supposed to read the story as though she is one. If Bella didn't like Harry for some reason it would make some sense or if Jacob's health was in the same danger as his it would be the same thing.

Bella does some web research on Mono, finds out the usual stuff and is aghast when she discovers that it could last a month. Yeah, that's possible, but a bit on the rare side. A couple weeks is usually the case. She's suspicious though, thinking that Jacob didn't act sick until he was sick on the phone. Maybe...

She forgets the situation with Mike. Jacob was smart, he used Mike's sickness to play up his inherent weakness as a mate. With that in mind we might understand that if Jacob had symptoms he wouldn't have told Bella about them because it would completely scupper any game he was building on Bella. She could, I suppose, plead ignorance of this sort of behavior but it seems that she should at least be aware of it as a possibility.

A week passes, and we are thankfully spared the details of the passage of time. However, we are treated to the dependency that Bella has on other people to be around. Her nightmares have returned, she wakes up screaming, gets shortness of breath all of the time. I'm beginning to think that she has a medical issue herself. Some kind of heart arrhythmia along with sleep apnea would be my amateur diagnosis.

The week is up and she decides she's going to call. She gets through to Billy, finally, who explains that Jacob didn't have mono but some other virus. Billy also explains that Jake is better he's just gone for the day with some of his friends: "Jacob was better, but not well enough to call me. He was out with friends. I was sitting home, missing him more every hour. I was lonely, worried, bored...perforated--and now also desolate as I realized that the week apart had not had the same effect on him."

First off, how is one "bored" and then "perforated." Those two words aren't related in any bit. The ellipses that connects them indicates thought, the narrator has to think of the word they want and the previous word must have something to do with it. If perforated is a metaphor for "empty" or "hollow" then you have to use those words because "perforated" doesn't mean the same thing. Unless she feels "holy.*" I'm also not buying her use of the word "desolate" here. "Desolate" is like a desert or a forest after a raging fire has just passed through. People can't feel desolate, but they can feel isolated or solitary which is what I think she meant.

Finally, the whole point of that couple of sentences is to show that Bella is hurt by Jacob not calling once he was better. Well guess what sweetie, you brought that on yourself. Last chapter Jacob confessed his crush, Bella blew him off, Jacob pressed, and Bella told him that "you shouldn't waste it (his time) on me," that she was never going to change her mind, etc. Jacob has moved on but now Bella feels insulted because Jake did exactly as she said he ought to? Yep this chick is definitely worth having around.

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*I know, it was lame.

Guilt (Pg. 201-224)

The thing about guilt is that it is largely artificial. There's no innate sense of guilt. That bad feeling that we have when we do something wrong is based entirely on our upbringing. It begins as a feeling of regret from being punished, then it's anticipatory of punishment, and then it becomes largely a matter of ethical teaching. Regardless of where it comes from and what form it eventually takes, guilt is the feeling that is supposed to make you change your behavior. If you guilty about something, you aren't supposed to want to do it again. The word "guilt" is also one that frequently appears in this chapter yet seems to have actually no bearing on anything that happens.

The beginning of the chapter is indicative of how bad a person Bella Swan truly is. Now, another blogger doing roughly the same thing as I (only she's going the much saner route and doing one chapter per entry instead of the longer and more wearisome as I am), has repeatedly made the claim that Bella is a "Mary Sue" for Stephanie Meyer. A "Mary Sue" is a character that is a stand in for the author, what the author does is place greatly exaggerated versions of the themselves in a story thus living out their fantasies. I agree...sometimes, this is not one of those times.

You can't be a "Mary Sue" when you have such a low opinion of yourself, "...to circle in a tight little orbit around the empty space left behind, ignoring the laws of gravity."

Bella likens her broken self to a moon whose planet was desolated (she means "destroyed" or "annihilated"--a desolated planet would still exist) and continues to circle the gravitational free fall that all moons are in. I'll give her credit for one thing: she at least looked up the fact that it would have to "ignore the laws of gravity." If we take this simile on it's own we are left with the fact that Bella looks at herself not as a thing with its own self worth, but as a thing that can only exist in reference to something else which is greater than it. Every satellite needs something to orbit, it is that which ontologically defines a satellite. Bella is saying that she is not a person, or a being; but something whose only worth is determined by that which she is around. Nice role model eh?

Another point before I move on, the simile would actually work much better if she said something like, "I was like a planet drifting through space having lost a star for which to anchor it."* This would preserve not only a sense of self worth but also would more accurately reflect the feeling of drifting through her life that she has told us about.

...back to the guilt thing.

Jacob and Bella have been hanging out a lot. So much that she is getting decent at riding a bike, also that she is becoming aware that Jacob might have a crush on her. Really Bella? No shit, that was apparent in the three brief scenes with the two of you from the last book. In fact, if your just picking this up now, you are basically telling us that everything you told us about Jacob and everything you told Edward about Jacob was a lie.

Jacob asks Bella on a date-ish thing and Bella turns him down. In her words, "I saw a chance and took it..." She makes up a ridiculous claim that she is going to a movie with her high school friends as a way of breaking the rhythm between them. It's a bit cruel to lie like that, but I suppose it's understandable. Then she invites Jacob along with them (keeping in mind there is no "them" yet)!? WTF as they say on the internets. She wants to break the constant hanging around with Jacob but then invites him along? It doesn't make sense--I guess we are past the "making sense" thing with this character though.

Bella invites Mike, who is always willing to hold that torch for her, then sends him on the errand of inviting everyone in the highs school that matters. Note that Bella doesn't do this herself, she doesn't ask a single person other than Mike but has her lap dog do it for her. At some point a 17 year old boy is going to tell her to fuck off, especially one that isn't as attractive as she says she is.** Some of the people are busy, some are not.

What's more important is that Lauren and Jessica are out to sabotage the movie experience. Jessica is still understandably mad at Bella. Lauren, "Lauren got to Tyler and Conner before Mike could, so those two were also busy."

They were busy, it could be on their own, not part of a conspiracy but it probably is. More importantly, who the hell is Lauren? Lauren has no reason to hate Bella, just does...because we are told she hates Bella and we are supposed to hate her ourselves. It would be nice if just once we were shown why we should hate something, or even like something, or feel anything.

Adding to our bad writing seminar is this little gem. Bella finds out in a phone call that Angela is sick and her and her boyfriend aren't coming. Some kind of stomach flu. Three paragraphs later, "Ang is sick...she and Ben aren't coming." Only one time is necessary, thanks Steph. This time though, we can blame the editor.

So now only Jake and Mike are coming. Bella, is not excited but she tries to muster some enthusiasm, "with grim sarcasm." One of those words doesn't fit with the other two, it doesn't matter which one, it won't work with the others.

They get to the movie with Mike and Jake eyeballing each other the whole time. Mike gets sick with presumably the same sickness as Angela and Ben begins throwing up. Jake is delighted, because his rival has now been relegated to the position of pathetic sniveling wreck of a person, a shell of where a man used to be. That's not entirely inaccurate, it's actually a sign that Jacob is human delighting in the misery of his opponent. He's nice about it though, he does take Mike to the bathroom. It's rather nice, but it's clearly a victory march back to Bella.

This is where he makes his move. Bella shoots him down, because...actually we never really get a reason. Fortunately for her Jacob won't give up, this lets her put another guy on the back burner until Dreamy McDreamboat comes back. The best thing so far is that we've only heard him mentioned a couple of times. The less of him the better, if only we could get rid of her too.

Mike is done throwing up, and the three decide that it is a good time to leave. On the way out Jacob stops and thinks about the move, walks back to the counter, "Could I have a popcorn bucket please?"

It's a good thought, Bella explains that the girl behind the counter was looking at them, saw the situation and didn't want to clean it up so moved them out of there. They got the bucket.

Bull. Shit.

I worked in a movie theater for over four years, and while I didn't like sweeping up vomit it was part of the job. What wasn't part of the job was cleaning up the outside where they were almost out of. Furthermore, the person behind the counter doesn't clean up the floor, the usher does that. Thirdly, he won't get the bucket. Ever.

The bucket is how the theater keeps inventory. Popcorn, drinks, etc. are inventoried by the packages they are sold in. An 8 dollar bucket of popcorn costs about a nickel to make, the popcorn itself is basically worthless. A worker who is giving up that paper bucket, when there are garbage bags available, is basically giving herself a nightmare at closing.

They go home. Everything goes to shit for no reason. Mike is sick, Bella gets sick, and Jacob feels off. It amounts to nothing at all, and as a convenient plot device it doesn't make any sense. The only thing we know is that Jacob doesn't have the same thing as the other two, of course we know what it is he has, Lycanthropy.

At this point it's not even a surprise anymore, but it's probably going to get drawn out over a hundred or more pages because these books need to be 500 long, for some reason.***

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*It's cheesy, but I'm not a professional fiction writer. 

**Remember in this world the prettier you are the better you are as a person...I guess this world and the world of Toddlers and Tiaras.

***I'm blaming JK Rowling for this one.