Apology? (Pg. 223-226)

"Then I'm very sorry I upset you."

Eddie Cullen is making this statement to Bella because she's angry with him for reading Mike's mind. Which, as I said last week, doesn't make a quark of sense because she knew that he was going to do this. Edward, has taken an annoying path here, a path that while it seems and has the technical words that an apology needs to have isn't actually an apology.

This should be familiar to anyone that has ever watched the excruciating uncomfortable public apologies that people in the public sector think that they have to make when they are caught doing something they shouldn't have. Whether it was Bill Clinton, Eliot Spitzer, or Mark Sanford regarding their affairs to Tiger Woods...also with an affair*, or MTV and Janet Jackson's nipple; anyway the list is long for the public apologies but they all have something in common: they aren't actually apologies. Sure, the word "sorry" appears but if you read/listen very carefully the issue is not with "sorry" but with two words that appear around it, "if" and "then."

This is obviously crafted in this manner designed to give the appearance of an apology without actually making the speaker responsible for it. Placing "if" and "then" into an apology changes it to a hypothetical syllogism which then removes all responsibility from the guilty party. Edward isn't apologizing because he knows he did something wrong, he's apologizing for her reaction. Janet Jackson, after the Super Bowl thing issued this as part of her statement, "I am really sorry if I offended anyone. That was truly not my intention."

I don't think that 9/16ths of a second can offend anyone, it's simply too fast to do the damage the FCC claimed it did, but reading the statement it's clear that Jackson isn't sorry she did it. She's sorry for the reaction she didn't anticipate.

There are things that are wrong in essence and things that are wrong in effect. Those things that are wrong in essence are wrong/immoral even if the person offends no one. Marital infidelity is usually portrayed as being one of those things, public nudity is not. Spitzer, Clinton, Woods, etc., all committed acts which the general population believes to be wrong no matter the circumstance which means that apologizing for it shouldn't contain a phrase that negates the apology if no one is offended. Eddies isn't apologizing for reading Mike's mind he's apologizing for Bella's reaction, essentially making it so that she's responsible, something that he should actually apologize for.

With the non-apology for something that wasn't actually wrong to begin with has been offered the planning of the Seattle trip must go on. Bella has convinced Edward that she will drive, much to his disdain. They can't leave his car in the drive way because "it doesn't help with the Charlie situation if an unexplained Volvo is left in the driveway."

Of course an unexplained Chevy would be just fine, but this begs the question of what exactly is the "Charlie situation?" It's been established that Bella wants to hide her relationship from Charlie, we don't know why she does this. This is the long running problem that The Slacktivist,** has witth the "Left Behind" book series: it's breaking the fourth wall. We know that Edward is a dangerous sociopathic vampire and that Charlie should want to keep his daughter from him, but more important than what we know is what Charlie doesn't know. Charlie knows none of this, his character doesn't know that he's in a vampire story so the only trepidation he should express is about letting his daughter go to Seattle with a boy. The book also wants you to think that Charlie would be against his daughter dating a Cullen, but that flies in the face of his already established admiration for Dr. Cullen. Simply put, the "Charlie situation" doesn't exist.

If there was an actual situation, then Edward does have a plan, "I wasn't intending to bring a car."

Bella regards this with some shock, which is odd. Her awe is indicative that he's going to use his abnormal vampire powers to get to her house, which is the dumbest assumption that she could make since it is the most complicated being in violation of Okham's Razor. Doesn't it make more sense to assume that he's getting dropped off?

The topic of conversation then returns to Eddie's need to apologize again, "I apologize for scaring you." This time it's a real apology and it refers to his reaction when Bella asked if she could see him hunt. The problem with this apology is that it makes no sense when you consider Eddie's words at the time, "you need a healthy dose of fear," and his repeated insistence that she should stay away from him. That means that this apology is only word play, it's sincere in syntax but in meaning it is completely nullified by his actions, like if Tiger Woods was caught on his first affair and then continued.

The question that remains is whether this was a purposeful decision by the writer or not. If it was than Edward the idealized boyfriend for many fans of the series comes far short on the morality list. If it's accidental it means that Meyer didn't think that far through with her character. Honestly I don't know which is worse.

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*I should say here, that I think none of these people need to apologize. Their public office has nothing to do with their private life.

**I've been kind of waiting for an opportunity to link to this blog as it is the inspiration for this series. Check it out.

Bella and Mike (Pg. 216-222)

In an effort to be fair, I do have to admit that the whole experience between Edward and Bella in Biology class is really well written. The awareness that she shows towards his presence is very realistic and her descriptions of the whole experience is quite explicit, "I was stunned by the unexpected electricity that flowed through me, amazed that it was possible to be more aware of him than I already was."

What is shocking to me is that passages like this are so well accomplished and others so miserably done. Often times it really is difficult to reconcile this author with the author of the rest of the book. What it tells me is that Meyer is writing out of experience, her details are too vivid for this to be an alien experience. It's either that or she's the most inconsistent writer that I have ever read given that other passages are so bland and her characters so unlikable. When Eddie comments, "That was interesting" referring to the electricity that Bella already spoke of it makes sense. We, those of us having been in the situation of proximity to an intense crush, know exactly what he is talking about. For once the hypothetical vampire comes through just as we expect. He acknowledges the feeling, the experience, and then he drops it. It's like the moment when your eyes lock with someone, you smile, they smile, but you never mention that one moment because it doesn't need to be spoken of.

Those experiences are forces of nature, they aren't comprised of anything tangible but they can knock you down. The movie over in biology, Bella stands up...carefully, "I stood with care, worried my balance might have been affected by the strange new intensity between us." It's too bad really, because everything goes downhill from there. Her balance has never been displayed as being that bad. She sucks at sports, therefore gym, but this care she's exhibiting is false. She's only telling us this because she needs to remind us how much she sucks at life. She's an outcast, we get it Stephanie, stop beating us over the head with the reminders. At this point in the narrative, the imbalance gun can never be fired to our satisfaction, we are going to be disappointed but how much we are is up to her, and I fear for the future.

After Biology, it's coincidentally on to Gym where they are playing Badminton. I don't know much about the sport aside from the fact that it is a cross between tennis and volleyball, and the thing you hit is called a "shuttlecock;" I am confused as to why this is a gym sport (or an Olympic sport for that matter). Furthermore isn't following up Volleyball with Badminton a bit overkill on the part of the "lobbing" sports. Why not follow these two up with tennis just to round it out?

Then Chivalrous Mike appears. Mike, we may remember, is now dating Jessica whilst carrying the torch for Bella who doesn't like him in that way. We know why, it's because Mike is too nice to Bella. Mike is the equivalent of John Cusack in Say Anything or any of the other movies from that period. Where Edward sort of pays attention to Bella and treats her with disdain. In this respect Bella seems pretty normal, the nice guy routine never works. In keeping with the stereotype of this alleged code of chivalry Mike volunteers to be on Bella's team, "Don't worry I'll keep out of your way.' He grinned. Sometimes it was so easy to like Mike."

So easy to like Mike, but not easy enough. While Bella is the surrogate for the intended audience of the book, Edward isn't the male substitute, Mike is. Which is why Meyer throws him a girlfriend, this way the teenage males reading a vampire novel aimed at teenage women won't hate Bella for ditching Mike. Aside from being the pathetically nice guy Mike's handicap is that he's not Edward. He needs a little more of the bad guy in him, for sure, but that isn't enough. The superficial Bella needs more than just a guy that won't treat her right, she needs to be apart from everyone else. This was plainly obvious the first time she drooled with envy staring at the Cullens sitting by themselves while everyone noticed them but didn't pay attention to them. Mike is pretty transparent, people know who he is, he throws the gatherings and arranges for the parties. You can pretty much count on the fact that even if Mike wasn't told about Jessica* he was going to have a date. He isn't too nice, he's just a decent person. And being that, we really ought not to spend too much time wondering why Bella ditched him.

He volunteers to be on her team, as I said, because no one else will (we gather) and he's her friend. The games begin, "I somehow managed to hit myself in the head with my racket and clip Mike's shoulder on the same swing." So she's retarded now!?

Bella's problems just rack up don't they. When I first read this passage I did the "magic bullet" recreation scene from JFK in a futile attempt to figure out how she accomplished hitting herself in the head and someone else. The only thing that I could come up with is that she did it on purpose. In retrospect, I think there might be some veracity to this idea. She's always claiming that she's clumsy but we never see it. We only hear about it when she's talking about how Gym class went, but we never actually live through her experience in Gym.

As soon as the class ends the tone of the narrative switches. It's no longer recollections about gym class in the past tense** but is now in real time as she talks with Mike about Edward. Mike, being a concerned friend, worries about Bella and her new relationship. Bella responds quite reasonably...for her, "That's none of your business Mike,' I warned, internally cursing Jessica straight to the fury pits of Hades.

Setting aside the fact that Hades doesn't have fury pits, she's being a bitch here. First off, why is she even angry at Jessica? She told Jessica about the secret relationship, she knows that Jessica likes to talk, and she knows that Jessica is seeing Mike. What did she expect Jessica to do, clam up and not talk about it?

Secondly, of course her relationship is his business, he's her friend-in fact Mike is the first person she met in Forks that wasn't a creepy anime loving sweat hog named Eric. If he's worried about her he should express it, that's what friends do right? The fact that he liked her poisons his testimony but why doesn't he approve of this relationship?

"He looks at you...like you're something to eat.' Ok this is a lame attempt at humor. We know that he does this because we know something about him that Mike doesn't, that's the humor. A halfway decent writer would just let this joke out and then cease from acknowledging it ever again, perhaps out of embarrassment at something that seemed funny at 2am. What does Meyer do? Something no one telling a joke ever should, laugh at it herself, "I choked back the hysteria that threatened to explode, but a small giggle managed to get out despite my efforts."

Mike is expressing concern for her, however steeped in jealousy that concern might by and she laughs in his face. Remember last post when I mentioned that she ought to go to the dance because she would have friends there? Well, she should have just lost one. Her reactions are full of pretension and arrogance, entirely appropriate for a woman that thinks she just married into the Medici. This is a telling aspect of her personality, showing something that I knew she had way back in the beginning: her sense of superiority. She laughs at Mike not because he's wrong, or in this case more correct than he knows, but because he shouldn't dare question her relationship with Edward. Someone beneath her is showing concern for her, the absurdity of the situation amuses her.

Bumping back into Edward after Gym class, Edward confesses that Mike is getting on his nerves. This makes sense because Edward and Mike are more like rivals than friends. Edward, not used to being around high school kids read Mike's mind and new what was up. This is telling because I could have told you once the Mike character was established that he would have a problem with her dating Edward. Yet Eddue needed his magical vampire powers, what exactly has he been doing for the last hundred years? Bella gets upset, yelling at him, "You weren't listening again?"

Of course he was, he's an abusive obsessive boyfriend. He can't listen to her thoughts but he can listen to everyone else's. What I'm amazed about is her surprise, because she never asked him to not do it. In fact he specifically commented earlier in the chapter that he was going to listen, and Bella has been feeding Jessica information specifically because she knew he was going to listen. She's such a hypocrite.

They get to the car slipping past a crowd of guys admiring Rosalie's blending-in-mobile, a BMW M3 Convertible. Bella, revealing her vanity once again, notices that none of the guys around the car pay attention to her and her new secret boyfriend as they speed off together in another example of Bella's ignorance of what the word "secret" means.

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*The women are going to be the ones actually in charge of the social life at Forks HS, being that this book is written by a woman. If you think about it all of those John Hughes movies (with rare exception) the men controlled life at the school being a male director.

** Yeah, yeah, the whole book is a first person recollection, I get that. Most of the book can be considered 'live' she's telling us what happened as it happened, but the actions scenes are done as a playback.

Instilling Fear (Pg. 211-216)

One of the easier things about writing this blog series is that the relationship between the two protagonists is a bad one. It's not that the writing is bad, but that the characters themselves are. Especially Edward who after a century ought to know what he is doing, and the scary thing about him is that he probably does. I would contend that Edward was a predator before he was a vampire, maybe just a victim of his time who can't help but treat women as beneath him. Or maybe it's not women (since we have yet to see how he interacts with his sisters) but it's a class thing. In either case this whole relationship is based on control.

Not say that Bella is any better. Far from being the strong intellectual type that she wishes us to think her as, she plays right into it hoping that she won't do anything to anger him, and only rebuking him for minor issues, "You know I haven't forgiven you for the Tyler thing yet."

Still at lunch she abruptly changes the subject from the warnings that she is receiving from Edward. What I don't understand is how she can blame Edward for Tyler assuming that the two are going to the prom. Tyler's motivation is obvious, his actions are commendable in that light if not a little misplaced. Tyler, so far, is one of the most likable characters in the book because he still feels guilt over almost killing Bella. Bella is embarrassed by the guilt and somehow thinks that it is Eddie's fault...which it sort of is since had he not saved Bella's life she would not have to deal with it. Tyler doesn't like Bella, at least not in that way, he just wants to atone for his actions. It isn't Edward's fault that he is a decent person and that isn't something we can really say deserves forgiveness.

With the Girl's Choice dance looming on the weekend, we still have Bella's commitment to going to Seattle that day. I still question her motivation on this, she has nothing to lose by going. Everyone knows that she is clumsy but now that she has friends the only thing that she is going to miss is the first hand accounts of everything that her friends are going to be talking about on Monday. Not going does give her two things that she really wants. The first is time with Edward, which is only a recent development. The second is that the "lonely loner" in her is going to get the type of attention that she would only get by not going. She gets to seem doubly mysterious now that everyone is currently seeing the two eat together, by themselves, at lunch.

Several times she notices that everyone is staring at them. Edward doesn't seem to care, but his failing to pick up on this not-so-good aspect of her personality reinforces my contention that he's an idiot. He still thinks she's going to Seattle because of her embarrassment, "Are you referring to the fact that you can't walk across a flat, stable surface without finding something to trip over?"

We know that he's exaggerating because she walked to his car, and then from class to class without doing anything close to that but she keeps the lie up. Telling him that he's never seen her in gym. The two situations are completely different and the comparison fails. This is the fault of the writer who has thus far shown that she is quite capable of doing banter between the two. The problem is that she's written Bella into another corner, and Meyer isn't the best at getting out of them. Everyone but Edward knows she is lying, so why not just come out with it?

The only thing that Bella does accomplish is that she strikes a bargain with Edward that she will drive. Edward frowns because this will be missed opportunity to keep the fear going in her. She wants to drive for two reasons, "leaving my truck at home would just bring up the subject (with her father) unnecessarily. And also, because your driving frightens me."

She wants to keep the new boyfriend secret from her father, I can buy that. If that's the case though, why did she leave her truck at home? I mentioned this two weeks ago, Forks is a small town and her father could very easily just swing home from work for lunch. If she was that concerned about him finding out* she would do better to hide it.

Edward makes a suggestion that they don't go to Seattle, since Bella has no real reason to go there in the first place. Indeed, the only reason that she is claiming to go is that it is far enough away that people won't expect her to make a trip and still go to the dance. It's a bit observant but not for the right reason, "The weather will be nice, so I'll be staying out of the public eye...and you can stay with me, if you'd like to,' Again, he was leaving the choice up to me."

Is really leaving the choice up to Bella? The whole idea of ditching the dance was hers in the first place. I don't know if this was done to trick the reader or if Bella is just that desperate for his affection because she completely buys it. Not only that, but she also seems grateful for him to allow her to make the choice that she set up to begin with. This would be like cooking a burger for someone else and that person telling you that you could have one as well.

If they are still going to Seattle Edward gets worried because of the location, "I shudder to think of the trouble that you could find in a city that size." He's got a noticeable pattern, it's normal banter, typical boy-girl stuff and then he inserts the danger back into the conversation. He needs to remind her that she isn't safe, and only he can protect her--more evidence of his desire to subjugate Bella so that she will come to completely depend on him. Bella objects, and realistically as well, by reminding Edward that Phoenix was three times the population of Seattle and also larger in size as well.**

It's a good objection. We don't know anything about Bella's life in Arizona, but we do know is that she got out unscathed. Edward reminding her that she's a danger magnet isn't borne out by the facts, it only serves his interests. Unflustered by the audacity of her retort he comes back with, "your number wasn't up in Phoenix."

This is just creepy. The only way he could know that is if he is going to be dialing her number. I get that he likes to be the bad boy but comments like this put him passed that level and into the sociopath department. The chapter then gets worse as Edward explains that Bella ought to tell Charlie who he's going with, why? "To give me some small incentive to bring you back."

Ok, that's not good. If no one knows where she's going and with who Edward has no reason to return her? I thought he was the good kind of vampire. Even if he's joking I fail to understand the humor, and the writing doesn't bear this out either as Bella seems to be genuinely shocked by his comment. She changes the subject to his eating habit, probably out of fear for the two comments that imply he's going to murder her.

This gets to a part of the lore that Meyer is establishing. The vampires in her world can feed off of animals. Edward prefers to eat mountain lion, while his brother Emmett prefers Grizzly Bear. See, the type of personality that they have apparently dictates what their favorite food will be. Mountain Lions feed off of deer, elk, and moose. Unlike their African relatives, the Puma (same animal many different names) attacks by ambush, leaping from trees on unsuspecting defenseless prey. The Grizzly attacks up front, but the Cougar slips in quietly waiting for the easy meal. Yeah I agree, the choice of food does match the personality of the vampire. It means that Edward is a d-bag.

Surprisingly Edward tops his previous statements to scare Bella. She reminds him that hunting is seasonal and that now isn't the season. Edward comes back with an odd reading of the hunting laws saying that the laws only limit hunting with weapons. Somehow I doubt this is the case but she gets scared again but her curiosity gets her and she asks if she could witness them hunting. Shocked and angry he replies no. She can never come, not because it is frightening, in fact, "if that were it, I would take you out tonight," he said his voice cutting. "You need a healthy dose of fear. Nothing could be more beneficial for you."

The only reason she needs to be afraid is so she'll need him more. It's this type of threat that makes me want to weep when I see girls wearing "Team Edward" shirts at the mall.

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*Which aside from normal teenage girl reasons, doesn't make sense. Her father, Charlie, has thus far only mentioned the Cullen family in a positive light. Even heaping admiration on Dr. Cullen for taking a job in such a small town when his talents could make him more money elsewhere. One might assume that a parent wouldn't have a problem with their daughter dating the son of a doctor.

**Two things come up here which I am resisting. The first is to nitpick the shit out of her statement by looking up the size and population of the two cities but that would be stupid because Bella wouldn't know it exactly. The second is to make an immigration joke (which I admittedly don't have one handy) but I am going to resist the impulse and keep this blog away from partisan politics.

Food and Entertainment (Pg. 206-212)

Skipping past the girl gossip on pages 204-206, we are now at lunch. Edward and Bella are going to by themselves because they have established the fact that they are secretly dating. See, it's such a secret that Bella already told her best friend and that they acting so inconspicuous about it. Edward for the second time isn't sitting with his family, a fact that is unique for the entire time he has been at the school. Who is he sitting with? The new girl, the one that everyone noticed when she first arrived in town and was almost hit by a car. I think the two of them ought to take a look at the dictionary definition of "secret," because they act completely contradictory to the term.

So far Bella believes that Edward is a vampire, but she hasn't really asked him a lot of the questions that we, normal people, would ask when confronted with this unique phenomenon. Thomas Paine in "The Age of Reason" pointed out the odd omission of any further writing concerning Lazarus. Lazarus, who was dead and then brought back to life by Jesus, should have been considered at least interesting since he alone, of anyone else in recorded history, had ventured into Hamlet's undiscovered country and came back. The fact that no one asked him what being dead was like, or even recorded his ultimate fate was suspicious according to Paine. Bella, like everyone else in Lazarus's time, ignores the big question of what Edward went through to become a vampire. Instead she seems to be more concerned with his day to day life than the big questions for which he could have an answer to.

For instance she asks about the fact that his family never appears to eat, which in all fairness is a decent inquiry, but then again she could have asked that before she knew he was a vampire. This is a bit long but it's worth quoting in full:

"What would you do if someone dared you to eat food?'
--'You're always curious.' He grimaced, shaking his head. He glared at me, holding my eyes as he lifted the slice of pizza off the tray, and deliberately bit off a mouthful, chewed quickly, and then swallowed. I watched, eyes wide.
'If someone dared you to eat dirt, you could, couldn't you?' he asked condescendingly."

There are several problems with this. First off, why would anyone dare him to eat food? Aside from another guy actually daring him to eat dirt/worms/etc. no one else suspects anything else. Bella, however, isn't that bright so it's more of an indication of that than anything else.

Secondly, why does Edward grimace? Sure it's understandable that he might be a bit impatient with her for always asking questions, but these shouldn't be unexpected. It's not like she's pestering him with questions like, 'where were you Saturday night?' or 'what are you thinking about?' she's been presented with a creature that up until a couple of weeks ago was only real as a fictional idea. His impatience with her alleged impertinence is unrealistic.

Thirdly, if he has the ability to eat then why doesn't he and his family? This is the first time that we as readers have seen a Cullen ingest anything, this is noticed by Bella and we can presume others as well since the family is so attractive and mysterious. If they are trying to blend in then they should be doing the normal things, things like eating which is only significant if someone doesn't do it. Since Bella noticed about the Cullen women, back in the beginning of the book that "The tall one was statuesque. She had a beautiful figure, the kind you saw on the cover of the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit issue, the kind that made every girl around her take a hit on her self-esteem just by being in the same room." Surely people are noticing that they don't eat, especially the girls who are overly concerned with appearance might look to them as guides on how to ape that statuesque appearance.

This indicates one of two possibilities; that  they either don't really concern themselves with blending in or that the author wrote a stereotype of Vampire fiction but then forgot to carry it through. I vote the latter. I've read several "non-fiction" books* on Vampires, and the fact that they don't need to eat human food was consistent. What wasn't consistent was whether they could eat food. Tabletop RPG guides to Vampires would maintain that any food ingested would have to be evacuated by the Vampire's body or else it would be held by the non-functioning digestive system indefinitely. Sometimes this was the source of the foul odor that the vampires mouth emanated. It would be nice if Meyer addressed what happens later with Edward after eating the pizza but I'm not holding my breath.

The last issue is the false analogy that Edward gives Bella as a point that he is attempting to make, although if you ask me I couldn't tell you what point that is. He asks her about being able to eat dirt. Well, of course, she can eat dirt but there is a huge difference. Bella is human, Edward is no longer, the fact that he can eat food when centuries of myth have said that he can't should be a source of curiosity. His analogy is, I guess, supposed to explain away her curiosity but it doesn't work for me. It does, sadly, work for her.

It's on to more important topics, like whether or not the waitress from the other night was pretty. At this point Edward is just showing off. There is no reason for him to bring it up other than to illustrate that anything that she mentions to anyone else can be divined by him. The only reason to bring that up is to further remind her that in no way can Bella hide anything from her stalker...er, boyfriend. Although that could be considered unfair to Eddie, which is a hard thing for me to type.

From his point of view, he's had a little more than a century around people whose minds are as visible as Goethe barometers, and now he meets a person whose mind is completely closed to him. Out of arrogance, he might be trying to display that although her mind may be closed he can still get into her thoughts through secondary means. It could be a way for him to stroke his fragile ego like a guy who ends an argument with the phrase, "I could still kick his ass," or a hack science fiction/fantasy writer who lambastes a first time author but ends it with the phrase, "...but she's still pretty hot."**

After delving into Jessica's mind for the important information of the physical attributes of the Port Angeles waitress Eddie finds something disturbing. Bringing it up, Bella warns him that she knew that there would be some things that he wouldn't want to know, but he disagrees. His reasoning is strange, and a bit scary and not in a good way, "I do want to know what you're thinking--everything. I just wish...that you wouldn't be thinking some things."

Ah thought crime, where would conspiracy theorists and controlling boyfriends be without it. The thought that he finds so repulsive and worrisome, "Do you truly believe that you care more for me than I do for you?' he murmured, leaning closer to me as he spoke, his dark golden eyes piercing."

The dark ominous tone in the previous paragraph doesn't follow with the actual explanation. The thought I was expecting had the words, "turn," "eternity," and "together" in it. Not, gee I really think that he doesn't like me more than I like him. Although I guess the surprise is nice.

However she does have proof of this, "I'm absolutely ordinary--well, except for bad things like all the near death experiences and being so clumsy that I'm almost disabled. And look at you," I waved my hand toward him and all his bewildering perfection." It's the type of "evidence" that women lacking in self-esteem always bring out as the nuclear option. It begs several questions and serves to switch the conversation over from whatever it was about to inflating the girl's ego. The you-are-too-good-for-me argument, it never works and only adds to the resentment level in the relationship.

I should also mention that she is clearly inflating her desperate situation. She's had one actual near death experience and one hypothetical. Plus, her clumsiness*** isn't that bad. The other thing is that she compares herself experience-wise to Edward appearance-wise. His perfection can't compare with her imperfection. That would be like comparing a baby's ability to walk with my ability to read. Edward sort of gets the distinction, he mentions the thoughts of the other males at the school on her first day. He never tells us the reader, but we can figure it out for ourselves.

Edward, coming back to the subject at hand, replies that he is the one that cares more. Surprisingly, this reads better than a "I love you more. No, I love you more" conversation that plagued the series Friends for nine years. His reasoning is that he is prepared to leave Bella if it gets too dangerous for her. Just to reiterate, his proof that he loves her more is that he's ready to break her heart if she's in danger. Ok, fair enough, but he also pledges to stick around because she is danger all the time as she is a trouble magnet. So, exactly what is his plan? To protect her until it becomes really dangerous, or is he just trying to maintain that image of the dangerous loner.

In either case Bella has a back up plan if he does try and leave him, "If I had to, I supposed I could purposefully put myself in danger to keep him close...I banished that thought before his quick eyes read it on my face."

I like the part where she banishes the thought, not because she knows that it is wrong but because she doesn't want him to know that she will blackmail him emotionally if he tries to leave. It's not about love, it's about getting caught and getting punished. I really hope that people reading this aren't taking these two as a relationship to be admired.****


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*Obviously using the term non-fiction to refer to Vampires is a confusing issue when you aren't talking about literary characters.

**This comes from several forums criticizing the Twilight Series and Stephanie Meyer. I find it to be in poor taste and vulgar.

***I'm going to note it in every section where it is mentioned because it's mentioned far too frequently to not be important later. Meyer is digging a nice little literary hole here.

****Although it was pointed out to me that the name "Bella" and "Jacob" was topping the list of baby names last year, so some people are taking it seriously and they have both spouses and kids. I worry for the future.

Gossip Column (Pg. 197-206)

I gather I'm not alone by saying that I come from a family that likes to gossip. In dealing with this situation I have learned a couple of ways to deal with it, the first being that I don't say anything to anyone that I don't want any third party to know. If the web of gossip touches any part of my thoughts I assume as fact that it will get around, it may never get back to me personally that the stories are being spread about but the risk is not worth it especially considering that there is no reward.

This is quite important for our protagonists because their relationship is going to be big news in Forks High School as it will occupy the thoughts of the general population of the students but also be of great concern to two camps. Bella's friends and more importantly the Cullen family.

Edward has picked up Bella at her house, where Bella's dad has already left for work. Driving in the car Bella never once considers that if Charlie decides to run home for any reason he is going to notice that her car is still in the driveway. Thus far she has decided to keep the relationship between her and Edward a secret from him, for reasons that she has neglected to mention. If Charlie worked in an office, or some other occupation she could probably get away with it, but as a cop this is just sloppy thinking. His job is to drive around looking for trouble, and his lunch break is a lot more likely to take him home than most parents. This will lead Bella into the uncomfortable position of having to explain who took her to school and why.

Secondly, Edward is alone in the car with her. We don't know the extent of his family's viewpoint on the new relationship but since this whole book is about vampires and people getting together we can assume that it's not going to be one of approval. From their view the risk of exposure is too great and they actually have something to lose. We should set this up first, driving it occurs to Bella that they are alone in the car where usually it should be all of the Cullens driving together. She asks and unlike his usual grumpiness Edward answers, "They took Rosalie's car,' he shrugged as he parked next to a glossy red convertible with the top up. "Ostentatious, isn't it?"

Ostentatious indeed, in fact so much so that the head vampire, Dr. Cullen, must be some kind of super idiot. They live in Forks, Wa., and having a red convertible sports car makes as much sense as a local trying to pass off an artificial tan as real. I can picture Edward rolling his eyes at Rosalie's car, his chagrin is clearly warranted. Bella remarks that she is surprised that Rosalie would ever ride in the Volvo when she drove that to which Edward agrees but he knows that her car is a bad idea, "Like I said, it's ostentatious. We try to blend in."

Are they really trying to blend in? I would say that no, no they are not. Dr. Cullen works at the hospital, ok they need to make money so we can give him a pass on that. We don't know what his wife (or whatever you call it in Vampire speak) does, if anything, so for now we can assume that she stays at home. The blending in so far works. Then there are the kids, the six of them who are sent out in public to school for no reason whatsoever. It could be to get them out of the house and to socialize but they don't do that, they stick together at lunch time and they isolate themselves from everyone else. Then there is going to be the obvious problem of what to do after one school year as eventually they must either move forward resulting in some of them having to graduate. The good doctor hasn't thought this through, even though he's had centuries to work on it.

Bella, for once lives up to the intelligence that she claims she has by asking Edward the obvious question, "Why do you have cars like that at all?' I wondered aloud, 'If you're looking for privacy?"

When I was teaching it was questions like this that frustrated me so much. For instance if I was teaching St. Anselm's Ontological Proof and during the debunking stage someone would ask "why" the definition posited and reality instead of the more important "how." It's too close to be considered wrong but it's just far enough away that you can't nudge them toward the correct path.

Bella should have omitted the phrase, "like that" from her question so that it would read, "Why do you have cars at all?" If it is privacy they want, there are places like Northern Canada/Alaska or the middle of Africa that are desolate, they did pick a decent place though since it is sparsely populated. True privacy could have them live on the outskirts of town but absolutely no contact with the rest of the Forkers.

As I said it's a good question. Flashy sports cars and designer clothes are going to raise a bit of suspicion in a small town like Forks. Blending in cannot be the goal of the head of the Cullen family. Edward answers he that they like to drive fast as the reason they have them.

They like to fucking drive fast. I guess when facing the spectre of immortality you get whatever thrills you can, but this doesn't even seem consistent with the alleged secrecy that the Cullens are going for. Why doesn't the good doctor go to a country where is money can buy position and get a fleet of planes? Or better yet, buy his kids Toyota Coups that can be modified to go fast without drawing attention. His kids aren't teenagers, they are at least a century old and the thrill of fast driving should be long past them.* It just creates the gossip they are trying to avoid.

Out of the car Edward and Bella run into Jessica who is holding Bella's jacket from the previous night. This is off topic, but warrants a wtf so I mention it here, "Good morning, Jessica,' Edward said politely. It wasn't his fault that his voice was so irresistible."

That's not out of context either. Prior to the sentence Jessica handed the jacket over without saying anything. What is so irresistible about his voice, the fact that Jessica heard it? Evolution has designed our ears so that we can never shut them off, I don't understand what Jessica couldn't resist aside from hearing him.

Edward reads Jessica's mind and figures out that Jessica is going to ambush Bella with a series of questions regarding the two of them. Did he really need his magic vampire powers to know this given that Bella ditched her friends to have dinner with him the previous night and then she shows up with him at school? There is no way she wasn't going to ask some questions about it. It does make me wonder which is the bigger idiot, Edward for thinking that Bella needed to know that priceless tidbit or Bella if she did really need to know something that even captain obvious would find too apparent to mention?

Edward refrains from mentioning anything else in Jessica's mind which Bella finds unfair. I would think so to if my friend could read minds and refused to share that information. Again, the information shouldn't be that hard to discern, she wants to know why it looks like the two of them are dating. For an idiot this might be difficult but we must remember that Bella has told us how smart she is, and I know that sometimes smart people can be oblivious but this isn't that--it's inconsistent, the more this happens the less we can trust Bella which is bad because she is the narrator of the story.

Bella does show some intelligence though in dealing with Edward's ability. She knows that Ed can't read her mind, so in order to figure out what she is thinking he's going to read Jessica's mind for what Bella has told her. This is proof of her intelligence, she sees the phone tree and realizes how to work it. She can lie to Jessica so that Edward will hear it. It's an indirect way of communicating but it's the same way I got one of my aunts to stop sending me glurch** emails. A bit passive-aggressive to be sure, but effective enough where I no longer spend five minutes of my day deleting my inbox.

Bella and Jessica gossip instead of paying attention to class. Normal behavior and well written, it's one of the few times in the book that you get the impression of realism in the writing. The two girls can't stop gushing over their relationships unable to focus on school. It's cute and very well done. What is also nice is that it shows that Bella does finally admit that she has friends in this school. She can no longer be the "lonely loner" dishing about Jessica/Mike and her relationship with Edward. It seems like she's going to make it as a normal person after all...but like all sparks it will burn itself out, her character is such that it must.
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*At least since the 1960s.

**You know the type that aunts always send you.