I hope everyone enjoyed the April Fool's Joke the other day, part of the reason I wrote that is because this chapter is bad. Not just bad in general, but bad for this book. It's full of concepts that are so bad they are embarrassing to read. I should say that the writing is coherent. It's just that it doesn't make sense, any of it.
Bella wants to put the issue of her turning into a vampire to a vote. So after somehow getting to the ground she hops on Edward's back and he begins running. This is problem number one and I'm not even at the bottom of the first page of the chapter: "Even after all this time, it felt very routine. Easy. Evidently this was something you never forgot, like riding a bicycle."
This requires us to forget that the two times she did ride his back she felt nauseous and dizzy afterward. It was never easy for her. There is another problem as well, where did Edward go and who is this whipped tool carrying her? Pre-breakup Edward was a sociopathic control freak, post-breakup Edward is one of those doormat types apparently. If he's so against her becoming a vampire then why is he aiding her? Why not just, I don't know, do nothing and tell the rest of the Cullens no to entertain this absurdity?
Two problems one page: let's not keep track because it gets worse.
"Does this mean you've decided you're awake?" At this point they're beating a dead horse that's long decayed into oil. It wasn't funny or clever the second time they did this, nor was it handled well the first time in Italy. It's also getting fairly annoying, everyone knows that she's awake, the reader, Edward, even Bella. If they were playing this off as a joke it would be one thing (dumb but at least understandable), but they're not. It's dead serious...and that's dumb but also insulting.
We are let in on a couple of secrets. First off, that Edward still loves her...which we already knew from last chapter. Also that he never really intended to leave her entirely. All the stuff they had: the cds, the pictures, the notes, etc. that Edward took when they broke up? It was under her floor boards the whole time. Bella guesses that she knew this the whole time, although that doesn't fit at all with the story. Unless she mulled over that possibility in the four months of blank pages we were treated to in the beginning of the book. What's worse is that there's a better story here as well, what if, they didn't get back together and fifty years down the line Bella was an old spinster or something and in the process of remodeling the house she discovers the hidden stash? That causes Alice to come back for a legitimate reason this time, and then the Cullens have to deal with a sixty year old Bella who is infuriated at their abandoning her to the cold ravages of time. That seems like a better book right there.
Anyway, as they are running along the road Bella lets the voice thing slip. Apparently she never told Alice about it, and Alice never saw it because we are retroactively making Bella immune to the vampiric powers. She goes through the possibilities that the voices present: 1: she's crazy 2: wish fulfillment 3: Edward still loved her and they have some psychic bond.
The first two can't work within the confines of the story. This is because of what I said awhile back regarding those voices: they gave her new information regarding the werewolves. The third can't work because her mind is shielded from Edward. The only logical explanation for the voices is that we are supposed to forget the werewolf incident and just remember that it happened with a rose colored glasses. This way it looks romantic, but a person with any kind of decent memory can't swallow this. Screw this I'm reading the Hunger Games, it can't be this bad. Can't it?
Finally at the Cullens house they have the discussion about whether or not Bella needs to get vampired. The family is presented with two options: one is to turn her the other is a bit more complicated and stupid so of course it comes from Edward. Apparently Edward was thinking ahead the whole time he was in Italy that's why he refused to shake Aro's hand. His plan is that when the Volturri send Demetri to find Bella, Alice will know and they will just hide Bella! It's so simple, it's plain stupid.
Edward thinks that he can fight off Demetri, which we know he can't from everything they've said about the Volturri. The shining light of this chapter comes from Alice after Emmett and Edward fist bump (seriously) over this plan, "Idiots."
I'm sure in their history no one has ever thought of hiding from them. It's like trying to return a cell phone you clumsily (re: drunkenly) dropped in the toilet, "I just stopped working I don't know what happened." That's why they have that sticker, and I'm sure that a society of three thousand years old have dealt with someone in their history who just decided to not do what they say. Then again, if the Cullens are the smart vampires...maybe they haven't.
So it's voting time, in which a bunch of strangers get to decide Bella's fate. Sure, why not, Bella basically ditched her dad on her birthday to be with these people so why not let them make the decision for her. Everyone but Rosalie and Edward vote yes. Rosalie's reason doesn't make sense but it's telling of how real vampires work. She didn't have a choice in the matter. Bella is asking so it doesn't make sense that Rosalie's reasoning is based around her own experience being supernaturally violated.
Carlisle votes yes but for the reason that if Edward wants to be with her it's the only proper course of reasoning. I wish someone would bring up the fact that curing the blood lust is going to be an issue, but no one does because this book isn't that thought out.
After everyone but two people vote yes, the duty falls to Alice to turn her. Shouldn't Edward be the one to do it? Alice balks at her new responsibility and it turns into the familiar innuendo between them: "Alice...Where do you want to do this?"
Alice responds, "I don't think I'm ready for that. I'll need to prepare..."
Ok, that aside Alice isn't ready? Ready for what? "I know, but...Seriously, Bella! I don't have any idea how to not kill you."
Not kill her? What the hell are you talking about? All James had to do in the last book was bite Bella on the finger. Alice herself explained in the last book that taking in the saliva was all it took. Isn't that why Bella and Edward haven't made out yet? What exactly is the process that she is avoiding? We are really supposed to forget everything we've been told up until now.
They then settle on turning Bella after she moves out of Charlie's house. Someone finally remembered that he existed. First though, Edward decides to propose to Bella. Seriously this happens, but they're going to wait two years for this to happen.
There's an abrupt argument with Charlie back at his house where Bella explains that her and Edward are going to be together and that if he doesn't like it she will leave. What a nice girl we have here. I seriously can't explain how much I loathe this character right now. Charlie ought to explain things to her and she ought to listen, but somehow being a brat who basically thinks everyone owes her something is supposed to be laudable. What does anyone see in her?
Bella wants to put the issue of her turning into a vampire to a vote. So after somehow getting to the ground she hops on Edward's back and he begins running. This is problem number one and I'm not even at the bottom of the first page of the chapter: "Even after all this time, it felt very routine. Easy. Evidently this was something you never forgot, like riding a bicycle."
This requires us to forget that the two times she did ride his back she felt nauseous and dizzy afterward. It was never easy for her. There is another problem as well, where did Edward go and who is this whipped tool carrying her? Pre-breakup Edward was a sociopathic control freak, post-breakup Edward is one of those doormat types apparently. If he's so against her becoming a vampire then why is he aiding her? Why not just, I don't know, do nothing and tell the rest of the Cullens no to entertain this absurdity?
Two problems one page: let's not keep track because it gets worse.
"Does this mean you've decided you're awake?" At this point they're beating a dead horse that's long decayed into oil. It wasn't funny or clever the second time they did this, nor was it handled well the first time in Italy. It's also getting fairly annoying, everyone knows that she's awake, the reader, Edward, even Bella. If they were playing this off as a joke it would be one thing (dumb but at least understandable), but they're not. It's dead serious...and that's dumb but also insulting.
We are let in on a couple of secrets. First off, that Edward still loves her...which we already knew from last chapter. Also that he never really intended to leave her entirely. All the stuff they had: the cds, the pictures, the notes, etc. that Edward took when they broke up? It was under her floor boards the whole time. Bella guesses that she knew this the whole time, although that doesn't fit at all with the story. Unless she mulled over that possibility in the four months of blank pages we were treated to in the beginning of the book. What's worse is that there's a better story here as well, what if, they didn't get back together and fifty years down the line Bella was an old spinster or something and in the process of remodeling the house she discovers the hidden stash? That causes Alice to come back for a legitimate reason this time, and then the Cullens have to deal with a sixty year old Bella who is infuriated at their abandoning her to the cold ravages of time. That seems like a better book right there.
Anyway, as they are running along the road Bella lets the voice thing slip. Apparently she never told Alice about it, and Alice never saw it because we are retroactively making Bella immune to the vampiric powers. She goes through the possibilities that the voices present: 1: she's crazy 2: wish fulfillment 3: Edward still loved her and they have some psychic bond.
The first two can't work within the confines of the story. This is because of what I said awhile back regarding those voices: they gave her new information regarding the werewolves. The third can't work because her mind is shielded from Edward. The only logical explanation for the voices is that we are supposed to forget the werewolf incident and just remember that it happened with a rose colored glasses. This way it looks romantic, but a person with any kind of decent memory can't swallow this. Screw this I'm reading the Hunger Games, it can't be this bad. Can't it?
Finally at the Cullens house they have the discussion about whether or not Bella needs to get vampired. The family is presented with two options: one is to turn her the other is a bit more complicated and stupid so of course it comes from Edward. Apparently Edward was thinking ahead the whole time he was in Italy that's why he refused to shake Aro's hand. His plan is that when the Volturri send Demetri to find Bella, Alice will know and they will just hide Bella! It's so simple, it's plain stupid.
Edward thinks that he can fight off Demetri, which we know he can't from everything they've said about the Volturri. The shining light of this chapter comes from Alice after Emmett and Edward fist bump (seriously) over this plan, "Idiots."
I'm sure in their history no one has ever thought of hiding from them. It's like trying to return a cell phone you clumsily (re: drunkenly) dropped in the toilet, "I just stopped working I don't know what happened." That's why they have that sticker, and I'm sure that a society of three thousand years old have dealt with someone in their history who just decided to not do what they say. Then again, if the Cullens are the smart vampires...maybe they haven't.
So it's voting time, in which a bunch of strangers get to decide Bella's fate. Sure, why not, Bella basically ditched her dad on her birthday to be with these people so why not let them make the decision for her. Everyone but Rosalie and Edward vote yes. Rosalie's reason doesn't make sense but it's telling of how real vampires work. She didn't have a choice in the matter. Bella is asking so it doesn't make sense that Rosalie's reasoning is based around her own experience being supernaturally violated.
Carlisle votes yes but for the reason that if Edward wants to be with her it's the only proper course of reasoning. I wish someone would bring up the fact that curing the blood lust is going to be an issue, but no one does because this book isn't that thought out.
After everyone but two people vote yes, the duty falls to Alice to turn her. Shouldn't Edward be the one to do it? Alice balks at her new responsibility and it turns into the familiar innuendo between them: "Alice...Where do you want to do this?"
Alice responds, "I don't think I'm ready for that. I'll need to prepare..."
Ok, that aside Alice isn't ready? Ready for what? "I know, but...Seriously, Bella! I don't have any idea how to not kill you."
Not kill her? What the hell are you talking about? All James had to do in the last book was bite Bella on the finger. Alice herself explained in the last book that taking in the saliva was all it took. Isn't that why Bella and Edward haven't made out yet? What exactly is the process that she is avoiding? We are really supposed to forget everything we've been told up until now.
They then settle on turning Bella after she moves out of Charlie's house. Someone finally remembered that he existed. First though, Edward decides to propose to Bella. Seriously this happens, but they're going to wait two years for this to happen.
There's an abrupt argument with Charlie back at his house where Bella explains that her and Edward are going to be together and that if he doesn't like it she will leave. What a nice girl we have here. I seriously can't explain how much I loathe this character right now. Charlie ought to explain things to her and she ought to listen, but somehow being a brat who basically thinks everyone owes her something is supposed to be laudable. What does anyone see in her?
There can only be a couple of chapters left. Why are you leaving us hanging?!
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