Covert (Pg. 245-246)

"Having the advatnages that I do,' he murmurred touching his forhead discreetly, 'I have a better than average grasp of human nature. People are predictable. Buy you...you never do what I expect. You always take me by surprise."

On our special Friday update, we are returning to the lunch hall to talk about Edward some more. Last post I asked the question of why Bella likes Edward. Sure he's hot and everything, but what do we have to tell us that he's the ideal boyfriend that fans of the series are pining after? I suppose the above quote is an example of him being nice, after all it is a compliment that isn't the creamy filling in a twinky of threats. Dissecting this quote makes me hate Edward all the more because it reveals something about the Cullens that I feel must be overlooked for them to be so idolized--they are straight up idiots and I don't just mean Edward either. The whole damned lot of them.

In order to make that accusation stick I have to make the assumption that all of the vampires in the Stephanie Meyer's universe are telepathic. Since the new movie is going to feature a telepathic vampire baby, for a reason that I don't understand, I am going to discharge the assumption as a fact within the fictional universe. That being the case it stands to reason that the idiot hypothesis can be moved forward.

First off, we know that Edward avoided Biology class because he was afraid that the sight of blood would send him into a frenzy. This makes sense and we can't criticize him for it. What we can do is wonder why in hell Dr. Cullen works the ER at Forks Hospital. Sure, he might be older and have greater control over his instincts in seeing a scrape or a cut but can we assume the same thing when someone rolls into the ER with a gushing wound spraying blood all over the room? Or is he that good that the awestruck nurses just stare at his butt when he's licking the blood off the walls. All I'm asking is why should he be taking the chance?

If he's telepathic, there are a couple of jobs that he could do without running the risk of being a medical doctor at a hospital. First off, why not jump into psychology. He could skip all of that getting to know the patient, prying through their layers of bullshit and really help some people by revealing the issues that they themselves cannot admit. With the gift of immortality and telepathy there would be no end to the mysteries of the human mind that he could solve, his books would be the default text books of the entire discipline. Fame is risky though, but he could just run a successful practice in Forks or a larger town. Given his ability it could only be successful.

The second option is to become either an incredible poker/chess player. Both games rely on outsmarting your opponent by attempting to figure out what they are doing while at the same time hiding your own plans. Imagine Carlisle Cullen sitting down at the final table of the world poker tour, every year? He couldn't be bluffed, he would know exactly what hands to bet and fold. In fact, the only thing that could really beat him would be the cards if he drew cold too often. Chess would be very similar.

Thirdly, why doesn't he and his family set up shop in one of those psychic communities that populate the country. Again, the ability of being telepathic would help out, plus those types of places are already predisposed to believing in Vampires that they would welcome a group of people already claiming to be them.

Yet, all of these choices seem to passed over for the riskiest job possible for a creature that goes into a frenzy at the sight of human blood: Chief of Medicine at a hospital.

For all of Edward's bragging about his abilities, he doesn't seem to ever use them except to spy on his girlfriend. His insights into the fact that Mike doesn't like him aren't extraordinary. He's one hundred years old and still in high school, for the only purpose of possibly exposing himself and his family as to what they really are.

It makes no sense, if they are trying to hide their natures from everyone to be in high school or for the good doctor to be the chief of medicine anywhere. I'm reminded of an Opera (I cannot remember the name of it, only that it was something like "The Curious Case of [something]) that was about an immortal woman whose vanity compelled her to seek fame as an Opera star every so often which proved to be her undoing as her beauty made her recognizable to an old suitor from her past.

What happens in ten years when the Cullens are still in Forks and their high school reunion rolls around? Are they going to go? Probably, because they are that stupid, and while everyone else has aged ten years they will look astoundingly the same. What about their 25 year renunion?

If they are going to play the charade then they better start boning up on the rules because exposure is inevitable at this point.