Meeting the Jetsons (Pg. 319-329)

Note: Due to a long school day on Monday, this will be the last Monday post. From now on updates will occur on Tuesdays.

The Jetsons aren’t a very notable cartoon/sitcom for a number of reasons: the first being that despite the futuristic (although by now it’s probably in the past) setting their technology was less than that of the Flinstones, they were just a Flinstones knock-off to boot, and the whole thing is just 1950s sexism taken to an absurd extreme.* What is especially notable is the opening sequence:

It’s not especially catchy, the animation isn’t anything that Warner Bros. or Disney wasn’t doing a billion times better and it is possibly the laziest way of introducing characters and their roles, one by one. This sort of introduction was in vogue in the 1960s, the actual date of the Jetsons show, but quickly it loses flavor except in ensemble shows like SNL or MadTV. It simply doesn’t work for television, and it certainly doesn’t work for books but for some reason we have it here in Twilight.

Bella has just fainted from kissing Edward which is lame enough on its own but at this point I am getting quite sick of Meyer trying to cram it down here throats that he’s the most desirable male to ever have existed. By the one millionth time, I think this is just wish fulfillment and that the author herself is missing something or in love with her own character. No matter that she recovers and is whisked off to the Vampire stronghold of Forks, Dr. Cullen’s house.

All of Vampire literature and film makes this trip a big deal. The video game series Castlevania is basically built around the premise of the sudden appearance of Castle Dracula which makes me think that Meyer is purposely juxtaposing the typically ominous journey of this with complete flippancy as Bella points out the nice driveway and how well lit the house is itself. I’m glad that I read each section twice because I simply didn’t get it the first time. “And then after a few miles, there was some thinning of the woods, and we were suddenly in a small meadow, or was it actually a lawn?”

It’s a lawn and it’s entirely normal. And that may be the point, it shouldn’t be normal because it’s a vampire’s house. Which I felt was a clever move since it could have gone either the dark, gloomy, and stereotypical route which I would have criticized for being cliche or not mentioned at all.

After some brief reassuring from Edward that her family will like her (but not that they won’t eat her) they go inside so that Bella can formally meet the family as Edward’s boyfriend. It plays like the Jetson’s opening only with more self-pity and whining. Hum it along if you want to. First, at the top of the stairs, we meet Carlisle Cullen, “I’d seen Dr. Cullen before, of course, yet I couldn’t help but be struck again by his youth, his outrageous perfection.”

Nothing like outrageous perfection, it’s funny because this is the first time anyone has mentioned it before. How young is he? Or better yet, how young does he look? We know from Charlie that the nurses** seem smitten with him, but that doesn’t imply perfection just attractiveness. Bella didn’t even mention it before, although we could give her some wiggle room since she was just almost hit by a car. She says hello and Dr. Cullen replies, “You’re very welcome Bella.”

Finally. For three hundred pages we’ve been told how old fashioned the Cullen family act and on page 323 we finally get evidence of this.

Next down the stairs is Esme, who is “Snow White in the flesh” whatever that means. She is also extremely polite given both her breeding and age. Then comes daughter Alice, whom we’ve already met. The odd thing is that Alice isn’t looked at any differently now, even though Bella knows that she can see the future. It’s like finding out your best friend has wings but never bringing it up. Something should change especially given the foreshadowing from earlier in the chapter. Then there is Carlisle’s boy Jasper, all leonine in appearance. It’s pretty mundane and they sit around asking Bella some questions before telling Edward to play something on the piano.

The scene is boring and is nothing more than exposition of new characters. It gets interrupted by Esme’s admiration for Edward which is too much again in a chapter already full of too much. WE GET IT, HE’S AWESOME, tone it down some.

After finishing his masterpiece on the piano (an original composition), Bella notices that everyone is gone. She points his out and Edward explains, “Very subtly giving us some privacy, I suppose.”

In the magnificent series The Wire, there is a scene where one of the drug lords needs someone framed and he tells an underling to do it but “be subtle with that shit.” He then makes sure that the underling understands the meaning of the word “subtle.” Which is not leaving people alone by physically leaving them alone in a room. No, subtle would be letting them sit and talk while everyone else busied themselves. See, this way they are alone, but they aren’t actually alone that’s subtle.

Bella does notice, in Alice’s absence, that she was acting a bit weird. You know more strange than she normally does compared to the one other time that Bella has met her. Edward has an answer, “Alice has her own way of looking at things, he said through tight lips.“

I’m guessing that she would, given that she has the 2nd power.*** Now would be a good time to for us to learn what it actually is that Alice has seen in her glass. It would be in context and be extremely pertinent to learn it right now, “He realized that I knew he was keeping something from me. I realized that he wasn’t going to give anything away. Now now.”

Yep, it was the perfect time but the only thing we learned is that Bella knows her place, and that place is not asking questions.

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*All women like to shop and date boys is the lesson that the show imparts, and I’m not even one of those guys.

**Which is another sexist comment that slipped by me the first time. It’s so completely stereotypical as well, all of the nurses in the hospital are women hoping to land a doctor for a husband. Of course a good number of nurses, in real life, are men but needn’t concern ourselves with facts about the real world.

***Let’s see if anyone gets that movie reference.

Vice Versa (Pg. 316-319)

This book, for me, is a lot like feeling nostalgia for movies that I liked as a kid. It's fun to reminisce about an old Judge Rheinhold/Fred Savage vehicle but under no circumstances should you ever try and re-watch them, or even look them up because you are making an odd 80s reference in your blog. The reason is that the more you learn the less you like. Feeling that pain of sweet memory for an old cherished movie is nice but quit while you are ahead and don't ruin it. Entire Star Wars forums are devoted to how much childhood memories have been ruined* by George Lucas. With Bella and Edward the problem for me is that the more that they talk the less I really want to know.

It's a systemic problem in the book because they aren't likable characters for two important reasons. The first being personality, but going into that in depth would result in me recapping this entire series thus far. I don't feel the impetus to doing that right now. The second is that there are two many times that they all of the sudden switch roles and opinions. Most of the time Edward is all about protecting Bella from danger and other times he's actively inviting her to it. I get that this is the real crux of the book. All of the tension and conflict is going to come into that danger, but if he's so intent on protecting her why does he invite her to meet his family in there isolated house? That just seems to be the worst idea he can make.

Of course that's not Bella's concern, "I'm not afraid of them,' I explained. 'I'm afraid they won't...like me. Won't they be, well, surprised that you would bring someone...like me...home to meet them? Do they know that I know about them?"

First off, they know. We know they know and she does as well. We know this because Edward spent a great deal of time in the pasture in the forest explaining his absence for a week, the fights that he had with his other family members about this very relationship. By the six legs of Sleipnir she met Alice. It is possible however that I'm being to harsh, she's nervous...for the wrong reason but nervous nonetheless, so this could just be an act so she can delay the inevitable. If we take that as our reasoning it makes sense.

It makes even more sense when we consider her actions since moving to Forks. Essentially she's isolated herself from everyone else that has even tried to be friends with her. Bella has taken their generous tokens of friendship and used them merely as means to achieve her relationship with Edward. This was never her goal from the outset but once she spotted the Cullens everything changed. After all, what was really wrong with Mike?

Bella changes the subject, "So did Alice see me coming?"

Alice, the Cullen's Delphic Oracle, can see the future. Yet her limitation is that she is much better at seeing the future of her own kind. This is like knowing the threads the three fates of Greek mythology are weaving once you know, you can't un-know, and the if the future is written** do we really want to see how things turn out? Bella doesn't really care right here, she's just delaying.

Edward's reaction is worth reporting, "His reaction was strange. 'Something like that,' he turned and said uncomfortably."

That's pretty obvious foreshadowing right there. We can glean, and hope, that Alice didn't see Bella but saw something different because of her. Whenever I picture Alice I see her in a white/gray cloak looking into a bowl of water and then prophesying in some hollow voice. What's more curious to me though is if her prophecies are straightforward or like those given in Herodotus. Because for Edward to be uncomfortable whatever she said must have been bad. As though she brings a coming conflict, and yet like Cassandra she's completely ignored. Shouldn't the good Doctor Cullen be consulting his prescient daughter on just about everything? Or, like the time turner in Harry Potter, is this going to be ignored because the plot works better if we don't have the future already known?

None of this matters, because the self-proclaimed intelligent Bella doesn't address his tone or his uncharacteristically sheepish manner as she has relationship issues to discuss. On the other end, shouldn't Edward be a bit more forthcoming with impending doom? Especially since he loves her so much.

He should, but maybe it's his old school mannerisms preventing him from doing so. First we have to establish the relationship, "And you should introduce me to your father, too, I think."

I've said it numerous times already, it makes absolutely no sense for her to keep this as much as a secret as she already has unless my uncomfortable theory is correct. It's important to note that while Bella knows that Edward is a vampire, Bella's father does not. Aside from the usual nervousness about having the folks meet the new relationship none of her actions make a lot of sense. Edward should be understandingly frustrated with Bella about this. His argument is actually a good one, he's her boyfriend, he's taking her to meet his parents (who are all vampires), so why shouldn't she do the same?

Her reaction is to get all mopey because Edward's just her boyfriend. I know what I said last week, but she's moving way too quick on this one. "Just" what more can they be? Since they are living in Washington state, and they both are claimed to be 17, they will need their legal guardians to sign off on the marriage. That should actually be more of a reason for her to push for the meeting with Charlie Swan. Yet there's another issue at stake here, "I cringed at the thought of Edward and Charlie and the word boyfriend all in the same room at the same time."

Oh yeah, she's got what we call "issues." The phrasing of that sentence is all the proof I need. It's not about her having her father meet her boyfriend. It's something completely different. This is just the type of girl I would bring home to my parents.

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*Which of course is complete bullshit. He can't ruin your memory as it is YOUR memory, he can only make new stuff suck.

**Not noting the pun, but rather we don't know the accuracy of Alice's predictions only that she found one of the Cullens wandering alone.

Love and Lust (Pg. 308-315)

One of the worst things that a person can do on the outset of any relationship is begin talking about the long game, or moving too fast with plans for the relationship. No one, man or woman, wants to really hear about what things could be like if they move in together during the first couple weeks. The quicker a person tries to latch on the more pungent the stink of desperation. Some things should be enjoyed for what they are, living in the moment, and the first mention of the long term immediately ruins the "honeymoon" phase of the relationship, it becomes less dreamy and more real. Who really wants real when they are drunk on infatuation? Bella decides that after spending a chaste night with Edward to ruin the newness of the relationship, "Well, I did wonder...about you and me...someday."

Then again, she's young. At 17 I know this has a different impact than on someone who is 21-30 for two reasons: first a teenager tends to think that the way things are now is the way that things are always going to be. That first girlfriend/boyfriend is the one simply because they are the one. It's really the only relationship that there is experience with so why not act as if it will always be the case. Secondly at 17, no one really has any idea of what "the rest of your life" actually means. The body may be telling you that this relationship is going to last forever, but in the back of everyone's head at that age is the knowledge that life still needs to be lived; education, work, then possibly family.

Edward, though has every reason to act like a guy who has just been given the relationship talk by the new girlfriend. Because Edward isn't 17, despite how incorrectly he is written as being that age. He's had over a century of life under his belt and despite his insistence that he's "still a man" he acts like this is the first relationship he's ever had...which is possible but not plausible. We have been told that the Cullens have been nomadic but with their proclivity to interacting in society and repeatedly going to high school, there ought to have been at least one before. Maybe nothing serious but perhaps casual so when Bella drops the marriage bomb on him he should be thinking along the lines that he could just wait this out. After all the scythe of time will harvest her, but not him.

Secondly, if Bella thinks that this is going to be a life long relationship for her...it won't be for him. For Edward, who ought to be more experienced in such matters, should know that feelings change. In the long game, which for him is actually pretty short, she could just grow tired of his constant threats, tyranny, and iron handed treatment of her. Finally he acts like a real person telling Bella that the marriage between his siblings (remember they aren't really related) won't be their future. Unfortunately his reasons are not normal, "If I was hasty...if for one second I wasn't paying enough attention, I could reach out, meaning to touch your face, and crush your skull by mistake."

All of the times that Edward has gently brushed her cheek or removed a lock of hair from her eyes, he's been attempting to not crush her skull? Exactly how does he brush her face with an open hand applying his palm to her nose? I can't fathom for an instant how one could accidentally crush someone else's skull. The skull is one of the strongest parts of the human body being spherical in shape it resists that exact force, it's like trying to crush an egg in your fist (do over sink). There's no way that he can seriously fear accidentally killing her, unless he gets angry or frustrated at conversations about eternal commitment during their first couple weeks of dating.

There's also an awkward conversation about sex as well. The two makes sure that each one is physically attracted to each other. Edward subtly asks if Bella is a virgin, first laying the groundwork that love and lust don't necessarily coincide. Ok, that works, and once she answers that she's "never" he seems satisfied. I am curious to wonder what would have happened if she weren't a virgin. What if, back in Phoenix, under the guidance of her hippie mother she had sex with someone and that's why she's shy and introverted. Maybe the most popular guy in the school slept with her and then dumped her right after. Would Edward run or be disgusted? It's too bad we will never know because if that had happened in Phoenix Bella's character would be infinitely more sympathetic and likable even if nothing else was different. It would explain everything, her dislike of Mike, her unwillingness to enter into real friendships with the other girls in the school, etc. Unfortunately Bella's purity actually makes her more unlikable but more appealing to Edward. What about Edward?

"That's nice. We have that one thing in common, at least." 

Edward's virginity is more of a mystery to me. Not because of his age, I guess he could really be saving himself, but because of the age he was when he was turned. At 17, during the earliest of the 20th century it's not uncommon for someone to have already been married or at least entered into an arranged marriage by their parents...depending on his social class. Yet, if he was as attractive then as he is now, it doesn't seem to be that far fetched that some shenanigans may have been indulged in. Remember, he used to be a teenager, and at 17 the male mind is pretty occupied with one thing and he's been 17 for a long time. Yet Edward's sexual status means nothing to his character. Unlike Bella, it wouldn't change my opinion of him at all.

Bella having spent the night cuddling with him in bed is now flushed with excitement, "The face in the mirror was practically a stranger-eyes too bright, hectic spots of red across my cheekbones." I love pointing out when Meyer does good work and again, it's with descriptions that she really shines. Bella has that flush that comes only from being high in the dawn of new love, our author really puts us into her shoes here.

She even continues with some playful flirting and joking too, it gives me hope for the rest of the book. Edward reminds Bella that she has to eat something, which I guess makes sense although it should have been Bella that reminded Edward. When he tells her that it's breakfast time, Bella jokingly guards her neck with her hands. I have to admit that I laughed. It's cute and it's funny, she's showing a human side of her playing with the notion that she's over the special difference between them. Unfortunately Edward doesn't think so and rebukes her for bringing levity to their relationship where it apparently has no place.

It was explained to me that an appeal of Edward is that he can sleep next to a girl, all night, and not grope or try to sex her up. Ok, I get that can be appealing, but he has no sense of humor which is the number one thing I hear from women about what is attractive in a guy. The joke, is funny, and I'm not the only one that thinks so.

"It was very funny, and you know it." But I examined his gold eyes carefully, to make sure that I was forgiven. Apparently, I was."

If his ability to not go for home base while sleeping next to a girl is desirable, I can buy it. But if he follows that up the next morning by getting so angry at a joke that Bella has to search for contrition after making a joke, I'm back to hating the character and by transition the people that adore him. Edward is apparently the ideal boyfriend unless he's hungry, in a bad mood, or otherwise agitated because then he's reminding Bella how easy it is for him to kill her. Which of course means that the next logical step is for him to introduce her to his family.

On Generation and Corruption (Pg. 307-308)

The regrettably, and laughably bad (but entertaining) movie Dracula 2000 gave us two new ideas for vampire movies: the first, according to one of the producers, is that all vampire movies need a little girl on girl action. Which is funny because the movie will subsequently break that rule. The second is how an atheist vampire reacts to the display of the cross. In this case Omar Epps just slaps it away, and I always thought that the presentation was about the faith of the presenter not the nature of the beast.

Wes Craven, whose name is attached to the movie as...i don't know what his role was, probably producer, gave us an interesting twist on the origin of Dracula and then subsequently all Vampires. In this film, he his not Vlad Tepes/Dracul, originally he is Judas Iscariot the one whom betrayed Jesus of Nazareth. Because of his guilt at turning over his mentor to the authorities he hung himself, but the vindictive Old Testament God wasn't done yet and cursed him as the sun set to be a vampire. It may not be kosher, but it's real story and a new one as well.

So we wonder how Meyer will handle this one. Up until now the story really has been resting on the shoulders of an annoying protagonist, possible the most unlikable one since Holden Caulfield.* No Meyer has got some spinning to do, for once it can't just be about date night between human and vampire or angsty whining and self loathing. Now Meyer has to do something creative and that is describe the origin of these blood sucking creatures.

First off let's establish that there are other vampires, "The others--the majority of our kind who are quite content with out lot--they, too, wonder at how we live. But you see just because we've been...dealt a certain hand...doesn't mean that we can't choose to rise above-."

What I want to point out is the odd phrasing that Edward makes, "dealt a certain hand." He's taking the stoic demeanor, which normally is what I have desired in this character. This time it doesn't make any sense. That phrase usually refers to fate. As in, I've been dealt the hand of dashing good looks and now I have to deal with it. However this places the blame in the wrong spot. All of the vampires in Meyer's world...or any world that possesses vampires, fate didn't deal anyone that hand. Another vampire did it, unless you put stock in strict predetermination. The Stoic outlook is slightly misplaced here.

"So where did it all start?" It's a good point that Bella oddly makes. Her question hearkens over to one of Aquinas' Cosmological proofs of God's existence: the Prime Mover Argument. If Carlisle made Edward, someone had to make Carlisle, etc. It's a normal chain of causation argument. Whereas Clive Barker gave us one definite point of origin for his vampire, now is the time for Meyer to do so.

"Or, if you believe that all this world could have just happened on its own, which is hard for me to accept myself, is it so hard to believe that the same force that created the delicate angelfish with the shark, the baby seal and the killer whale, could create both our kinds together?"

First off, let's deal with the obvious anti-big bang theory slip in. This is a betrayal of the Mormon religion of the author. I'm actually impressed with the subtlety she put into it. She has Edward say it dismissively and then move right on to the supernatural explanation. Yet there is something nefarious about what she is doing. It's important to note that she is having Edward make the comment and then he points out, "which is hard for me to accept myself." In other words, Dreamy McVampire, can't believe in the theory so why should the millions of girls that are reading this story and being told that he is admirable won't either. Religion can literally poison anything,** even an already bad character.

The real issue is that Meyer completely ignores the origin story's consequences. Most vampires, according to her are human blood drinkers. Only a small minority are like the Cullens, protecting humanity and not preying on them. This means that the creative force behind everything created a parasite like the vampire that has in its nature to drink the blood of the other sentient beings. Truly this force cannot be considered the epitome of good.***

Edward's analogy also fails as well. Sure the killer whale and the seal both exist, and of course the orca eats the seal. The difference is that in order to propagate its own species the Free Willy doesn't turn the seal into one of its own. Even viruses don't do this. What kind of force does Edward think is responsible? Because the entire world of ethics has just been flipped on its head.
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*That's not hyperbole either, I'm not sure which narrator I like the least.

**It's funny to me that this book is so endorsed by the Mormon religion and so condemned by the fundamentalist right wing who have called for its ban in many school districts.

***Not to get into a religious argument here so I'll offer this disclaimer: I'm not talking about any religion's prime deity, only the deity in Meyer's fictional world.

Character Creation (Pg. 290-307)

I remember in the early days of the video game console revolution, when the NES was king with that usurper the Sega Master System approaching from behind, there were the epic length role playing games that came over unsullied from Japan. These games were long, 48 hours worth of story long, not today's bullshit random item collection hunt to pad out the length of the game (Gears of War). One of the things that always intrigues me about getting them, and then always getting disappointed, was the character customization portion. It promised that you would be creating a character from scratch but in the long run all you really did was pick a name and a job for it. I didn't understand the limitations on memory and computing power then, but I do now. Books, however have no such limitation even though they hold only about 1mb of data. The writer can literally do anything with their pen/keyboard.*

Good writers learn restraint, so as not to actually do anything they want. Which is why this book completely ruins one of the few decent dialogues between Edward and Bella with this, "She knows things. She sees things--things that might happen, things that are coming. But it's very subjective. The future isn't set in stone."

Alice is the Pythia, this is getting to be too much. Not only do these vampires have no real weaknesses but now they have special powers that extend beyond just the "normal" vampire advantages. This only indicates that Meyer was getting bored so she had to mix the story up a bit by adding mystery into the plot. Now that everyone has superpowers they can each apply them into suspenseful situations that will come up specifically because of their powers. For instance Edward being attracted to the only person for whom he can't read the mind of, even though his mental powers have contributed nothing to the story thus far.**

Alice, having precognition is going to hamper the story more than it is going to help, because now, everything that happens we have to ask ourselves, 'why didn't Alice see it coming?' Especially because, as Edward explains, that her power is more accurate when dealing with their own kind. So any vampire problems or conflicts she should anticipate, and since she's supportive of the relationship she is a powerful ally. Of course, in order to maintain any sort of suspense the power will only be brought up when convenient, just like the ship's counselor on Star Trek: The Next Generation.***

My other problem with Alice's new powers is that it is so obviously cribbed from Yoda's description of the same in Empire Strikes Back. "Always emotion the future is," emotion being purely subjective which is exactly what Edward is saying now. Which of course doesn't make sense since the future is a set of events, it can't be subjective.

The whole description is self-contradicting. If she can see what is coming then she is seeing the future, which means that it is set in stone, if it were to come true. If it doesn't come true because we have the ability to master fate, then her power is useless. In either case subjectivity is not possible, if it's up to interpretation she's no better than a Roman soothsayer or Sylvia Browne--accurate only based on what people want to hear.

The worst thing is how they squander their talents. Edward could be a world class Chess player provided he never plays computers, and Alice could run a psychic network or a gambling house, but instead they are in a little town playing high school. The other Cullens must have powers too right? Well they do and I'll summarize in list form, skipping Alice and Edward: Dr. Carlisle: compassion, Esme: Passion, Rosalie: Stubborness, Emmet: Strength, and Jasper: Can implant emotions in people.

"Carlisle has a theory...he believes that we all bring something of our strongest traits with us into the next life where they are intensified--like our minds and our senses."

Carlisle's theory makes a good deal of sense. Since everything else is heightened in vampirism their strength, speed, hearing, etc. why not add to that? Of course his theory is only good at explaining the ridiculous. Some of the Cullens have legitimate powers Alice, Edward, and Jasper; but their powers aren't explained by Carlisle's theory. Alice it seems must have been a little psychic before becoming a Vampire and is now full blown. That's like explaining why gravity works by dropping something...we know things fall, we need to know why they do. Alice was already psychic that's why she's psychic now? It's not an explanation it's just a rephrasing of the question.

Jasper's ability makes a bit more sense, Edward explains that he must have been charismatic as a human which explains his ability to inspire crowds or individuals. I'll buy that, but how charismatic could he have been at 16 during the Great Depression? Or Edward, his telepathy can't be explained by normal human ability. He was good at paying attention to people's reactions? Or is he telepathic because he was slightly telepathic as a human. I'm just looking for consistency here, not realism, although I'm finding neither.

The others' powers aren't really powers though. How is Carlisle "super-compassionate?" Aside from his ability to stalk Chicago high schools looking for teenage boys to sink his teeth into I'm not understanding what Meyer means. Same with Esme, and her ability to "love passionately." What does that mean? Is her passion just limited to love, or if she gets angry she's Hulk-like?

Rosalie gets it the worst though, being stubborn isn't a super power. Unless she becomes a literal immovable object she has no advantage over me when it comes to fixing my mind. Ooooh, she won't bend her will-how unlike a two year old. Emmet, yeah super strength is a good thing, but then don't all vampires have that? Or is he strong beyond them?

The best thing about the list is that you can see from it who is going to be of future use in the story. The ones with useful powers are going to be protagonists and the ones that are useless are either non-entities or antagonists. I'm guessing that Rosalie was against the relationship as was Emmet. That family has a bit of dysfunction in it, because what Jasper wants I'm sure he just implants. Unless the deus ex machina of the author comes down and limits that power to humans. Of course he could probably get a good job working political rallies, but then again all of these abilities are indications that one thing vampirism didn't give them was super-intelligence.
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*I put this to the test when I was just of grad school, by attempting to write the most implausible science fiction story ever. I threw in every cliche I could think of from zombies to cyborgs (and even the hybrid "zomborg"), to AI cities and Vampire/Angel wars. The trouble that I had was that the story was getting out of hand for me, I found myself writing ten page back stories for certain characters attempting to explain their powers and where they came from. I actually have a fifty page back story that explains one character which takes place 10,000 years before the main work. The trouble is that each cliche reminds the reader that they are reading a story.

**If you think about it, even his finding of Bella in Port Angeles was based on a guess. There is no way that Bella's possible attackers could have known who they were stalking, therefore Edward couldn't have known even by reading their thoughts. The only thing he did know is what they were possibly going to do.

***Seriously, what kind of contribution did she ever have aside from stating the obvious? "I feel anger," she remarks to the Captain as the enemy ship has just cut off communications and powered up their weapons.

Creepiness (Pg. 290-296)

Aristotle remarked that " for the man who is very ugly in appearance...is not very likely to be happy" (The Nicomachean Ethics ch. 8). It sucks for the ugly people, and in this age of 'everyone is beautiful on the inside' it may seem like heresy to agree with the ancient Greek. However the bald fact of the matter is that he's right. The better looking a person is, the easier their life is going to be. People want to help beautiful people, and they are forgiven more for transgressions than uglies. I bring it up because I wonder how much shit Bella would tolerate from Edward if he weren't so angelic in appearance.

One of the minor mysteries of the story so far has been how Edward was able to retrieve Bella's truck a week ago (in book terms of course) without having a key. That mystery is solved, Edward has been in her house, spying on her for quite sometime. Which she regards as something other than what we would normally expect, "You spied on me?' But somehow I couldn't infuse my voice with the proper outrage. I was flattered."

Let me repeat the important/troublesome part, "I was flattered."

For the entire time that I have been doing this series, I have wondered what exactly the appeal of Edward could be. I don't want to hazard a guess at how many female readers I have but if just one of them wants to explain his appeal on an other-than-physical level I would gladly repost it as an article update. The reason is that I really have no idea why anyone should like him.

This whole spying on her is more like the behavior a stalker exhibits before making the final leap to serial killer. Bella, being the intelligent person we are supposed to believe that she is, knows that it's weird/wrong but can't quite get mad at him. She was flattered which means she obviously thinks that she is unworthy of his attention but still getting it anyway. However, he just watched her enter the house from the bushes right? It's not like he's standing over her while she sleeps.

"You're interesting when you sleep." Oh, wait he does. He watches her sleep because he finds it interesting, and because he's bored after all, "What else is there to do at night?"

I don't know Ed, how about not sneaking into people's rooms and watching them sleep. That's the very least you could do so that you don't come across as a creepy, obsessive, nut job; and the best part about not doing it? It requires no effort, as it's a negative action. The only good part is that it does let us know that Meyer's vampires can enter a premises without being invited. I always thought that limitation on the Vampire was a clever way of forcing civility on them.

Let's assume that Edward looks less like Christopher Lee's Dracula (with the charm, manner, and looks) and more like Max Schreck's Count Orlock from the movie Nosferatu. Now what would Bella think if she knew that person was watching her sleep at night? Or ladies, what would you think?

I've seen it in bars numerous times. Beautiful girl catches guy looking at her and her reaction is always dependent on what the guy looks like. It varies between a smile and quick look away, to a disgusted head shake. It's nothing to be ashamed or angry about, it's human nature and we are all wired like this. Yet there's a line most of us have that even an attractive person can cross and it involves hovering over a person while they are asleep. Unless I'm missing something that women secretly want but are afraid to mention it, although I seriously doubt that this is what they idolize in these books.

The other thing about the stalker behavior is that it shows a complete lack of control of Dr. Carlisle over his progeny. We know that Edward has been doing this for a long while, and his family has only approved of his relationship for a short time. In the meantime Edward has been about the town stalking women apparently under the nose of his maker.

Charlie comes home and Edward vanishes, because for some reason that we aren't told Bella thinks that she needs to keep the relationship with Edward secret. I've mentioned why I think this is so in the past and here adds only more evidence to the pile. Charlie comes in after a long day of fishing and is "bushed." I had no idea people still used that word in that way but it's indicative of Charlie's age. He asks Bella to make him some of the lasagna that she's having and then, "Charlie sat in the chair, and contrast between him and its former occupant was comical."

She's contrasting the physical appearance between her father and her boyfriend...that's just weird. Charlie, thankfully plays no part in creepy Electra relationship this time. I always thought girls were supposed to think that their boyfriends were cooler than their dads, not this. Looks shouldn't be a consideration because of the generation gap, but here Bella laughs at her dad's appearance compared to Edward's. That means she puts them on the same plane, which isn't right.

Then, just like before, Meyer realizes what she has done with the two and snaps back into reality, "No, Dad, I just want to get some sleep."

I relish those few times that Bella uses the word "Dad" because it means that the creepiness is at least temporarily gone as Meyer goes back to the only natural power relationship in the state of nature. It must be doubly confusing for Bella who races upstairs, showers, and changes so that she can fool her dad into thinking she's going to bed only to meet Edward in her room. From one relationship to the other. Good thing that the she's running to the better looking one.

Family (Pg. 283-290)

With the sun setting, the date is over because apparently Edward has to get inside before the sun goes down. I guess that's unfair since repeatedly he warns Bella to be careful, that there are other dangers aside from him in the woods. It begs the question of why he never mentions it straight, instead hinting cryptically about it. We know, because we've read the prologue, but Bella doesn't. It seems queer that he never spits it out, unless he's referring to his own family. While that makes some sense it still doesn't make enough for his odd muteness on the subject.

After a brief fight over who is going to drive, Bella dazzled from her kiss with Edward can't drive according to him. He takes her home in the truck, he turns the radio to an oldies station and sings along. This amazes Bella because Edward knows all of the words. Which means only one thing: that she's never listened to an oldies station in her life!

This is indicative of nothing. Oldies stations are like Top 40s stations in that they have a predetermined set list, the only difference is that eventually a Top 40 station will phase out some of their music after a time. The other radio station won't, they're run by and for people who think that music attained perfection in the 50s and 60s utterly refusing to update their lists because every album compiled after they were in high school is a mere mockery. Every city has at least one station and their set list is made up of these bands: The Beatles, The Rolling Stones, Emerson Lake and Palmer, Pink Floyd, Led Zeppelin, Aerosmith, Cream, Clapton, Pre-Phil Collins Genesis, Elvis, a slew of One Hit Wonders, and any band who lost a member to a drug overdose but the drug was legal at the time, repeat. The newest song they play is one that Aerosmith did for a movie soundtrack. It's also important to note that they aren't going to be playing obscure songs from those bands either, no B-sides and no early stuff. The Beatles set list is limited solely to the White Album and while you will hear Dazed and Confused by Zeppelin, you only hear "Stairway to Heaven" once a year when they do their obligatory 100 greatest songs of all time. I could sing along to all of this, so it's not a great mystery that Edward can. What's more important to note is that Bella can't. Which means her parents either let her keep control of the radio in the car or they were one of those "staying hip" parents that just come across as desperate.

"Music in the fifties was good. Much better than the sixties, or the seventies, ugh!" I didn't think that shots at disco were still relevant, but the comment is important because it leads Bella to asking a question I've been dying for her to ask, exactly how old is Edward?

"I was born in Chicago in 1901...Carlisle found me in a hospital in the Summer of 1918. I was seventeen and dying of the Spanish Influenza."

If Edward was born in the earliest of the 20th century then why not have him listen to music from that era? There could be a whole conversation about how he was sitting at the Chicago Opera House listening to the first recordings of Wagner's Ring Cycle or something. I also question the phrase "a hospital" instead of "the hospital." Not for grammatical reasons, but it gives me the impression that Carlisle was just stalking places looking for victims. He wasn't treating Edward, so he just changed him because Edward was dying.

The Spanish Flu Epidemic of 1918 is akin to the Black Plague of the middle ages in that it was one of the factors that led to the end of WWI as so many people were infected with the disease they couldn't fight anymore. Even Woodrow Wilson was infected when he was negotiating the treaty of Versailles. Some estimates put it at 20% of the world's population was infected with the bug. It's a nice touch because it makes Carlisle compassionate, he didn't murder Edward and raise him up like some Necromancer, he saved him from the new plague. Edward is lucky that he was 17 in that a couple months later he would have had to register for the draft and ship out to fight the Kaiser. I wonder if this was a conscious decision by our author, to have Edward skip out on the Great War. It begs another question as well, what did they all do during the drafts for WWII* and Vietnam? Damn draft dodgers.

"I do remember how it felt, when Carlisle saved me. It's not an easy thing, not something you could forget." I'm not going to bitch about the sentiment here, but rather that a few more adjectives and verbs like "shuttered frightfully at the memory" or something would make us not wish there was a description of the method.

Edward was the first of Carlisle's creations. This goes against all impressions I have had of the family pecking order since the beginning of the book. I always thought that Edward was the youngest followed by Alice since she was in his side. The other two Emmet and Rosalie I figured to to be the oldest of the children. The order apparently is this: Edward->Esme->Rosalie->Emmet->Alice & Jasper.

I get that Esme is given more authority since she is Carlisle's wife, but why does Edward act subordinate to the others? In the glade and previously he was always acting as though he was defiant of his superior siblings' authority, but now it appears as though he's second only to the patriarch. This is what should piss off vampire fans, because there is no variance at all in the fact that Vampire hierarchy is determined by age. Edward should go back to being the Hypothetical Cool Vampire I postulated long ago in dealing with his brothers and sisters telling them to piss off when they question his decisions. His mother gets respect, but like the relationship between the Medici's and the non-Medici Popes of the renaissance it should be because of fictional position not actual authority.

We don't know where Carlisle picked up the others specifically. It seems as though they bounce around quite a bit, but why high school? "But the younger we pretend to be, the longer we can stay in any given place. Forks seemed perfect, so we all enrolled in high school."

Of the two sentences above I believe absolutely none of it save the idea that they are trying to convey information. I think nothing said above makes any sense in the light of a group of people that are trying to hide their true natures from everyone else. Sure youth has to be assumed because of their appearance, but wouldn't they be better off out of a setting where they are forced to interact with people on a close proximity? Edward's blood lust attraction to Bella is a good case for why high school isn't the place for them. Make them college age, where there aren't things like gym where they might have to go outside, no mandatory lunch time so they have to hide the fact that they don't eat, and so they won't be perpetually bored taking the same shit over and over again.

Secondly, how does being young enable them to stay in the same place longer? The only thing that would enable longer durations would be lack of exposure. The fact that they won't visibly age would be apparent in ten years but no one would notice if they weren't in school interacting with the population. If they claimed to be in their 20s, no one would really blink an eye for a long period of time since the aging process is kind of subtle then.

Forks seemed perfect? Even with the werewolves living next door who know exactly what they are. Yeah sounds perfect.

As for enrolling in high school: well I just covered why that's a stupid idea.

The good doctor isn't too bright. The Alaska life is the best idea that he's come up with yet. Too bad he made that along time ago and since then it's just been one downhill slide ever since.

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*Despite what the "Greatest Generation" would prefer us to forget, a lot of them didn't volunteer for service in WWII.